Go Back   Chamber of Secrets > The Writing on the Wall > Novella

As yet unnamed...

Thread Tools
Old August 7th, 2009, 7:30 pm
Schlubalybub's Avatar
Schlubalybub  Female.gif Schlubalybub is offline
Suteki da ne
Joined: 5704 days
Location: North East Wales
Age: 33
Posts: 2,749
As yet unnamed...

This is my first real novel, and to begin with my first chapter. It's a bit chick-litty but any feedback would be greatly received

Feedback here please

************************************************** **

Chapter One

“And I never, ever wanna see you again!” Donna screamed as she flung the last of her bags in the boot.
James stared at her. “Look, I can change, I'll stop seeing here. You're the one that I want. You.”
Donna rolled her eyes. “Until the next time some skinny blonde tart comes shimmying past you, turning your head. I'm not letting that happen to me again, you can forget it.” She fiddled with her keyrings for a few seconds then detached a small set of keys. She turned towards James and threw them to him. “Here,” she shouted. “Give them to your floozy.” She turned her back on him, took a deep breath and got into the taxi.

“Hill Street, please,” she said to the taxi driver, who nodded and drove off. Donna sighed and looked out of the window for a few minutes before getting her phone out.
“J is history. Messed me about 2 many times. Hav left him. Drinks r on u 2moro nite. Dx” she typed into her phone and pressed send, finding the name David. She sent the text on its way, then resumed her staring out of the taxi window. As she stared, she couldn't help but think how unlike a film this was. If this was a film, instead of real life, she thought, it would be dark and raining, and they;d show a shot of her looking out through the rain-streaked car window. In spite of herself, she smiled as she looked out at the brilliant sunshine, the couples in shorts holding hands and eating ice creams, and the children having water fights in cul-de-sacs. It's just one cliché after another, she thought, shaking her head.

“What number you after?” asked the taxi driver.
“Forty-seven please” said Donna.

They pulled outside number forty-seven, where Donna's friend Medi lived. As Donna got out of the taxi, Medi ran up to her. Donna was swaying slightly. Just as Medi reached her and threw her arms around her, Donna broke down. The taxi driver started taking Donna's belongings out of the taxi and putting them just inside Medi's front door. Tactfully, he avoided looking at the pair as Donna continued to sob.

“C'mon Donna, let's get you inside,” said Medi, as she handed the taxi driver a ten pound note. “Keep the change” she added, guiding Donna away from where the taxi driver was stubbing out his cigarette and getting into his car, giving Donna a sympathetic sort of look as he turned around and drove off.

Donna followed Medi into her house, past all of her belongings. Medi indicated her stuff, saying “We'll tackle those later,” as they made their way into the living room and sat down.

“Right. Tell me all about it,” said Medi, turning the sound down on the television. “Coffee or wine?”
Donna thought about this. She'd prefer the wine at that time, but she knew that she was going to have to help with some awkward classes the next day, “I'll have a coffee for now,” said Donna, “I'll see how I feel later.” Medi nodded and made her way into the kitchen. Donna followed her as she launched into her take. How James had seemed off for months, how he'd claimed to be going out with the lads after work, only to have the people he'd said he'd gone out with ring up and ask if he was coming out. How she'd seen him buying underwear in the shop on the high street that wouldn't have gone anywhere past her knees. The whispered phone calls, and abrupt hanging up, the 3am texts. The letter in code, written in a distinctively girly hand- “it had love hearts for the dots on the 'i's for God's sake”- then finally the phone call from the little tart herself to explain everything. Stereotypical stuff.

“So I just had to get out,” she finished, as her phone bleeped.
“Hand it over” said Medi immediately. “I'm not having him brainwashing you with talk of 'changing' and 'wanting you', that sort of ****.”
Donna held the phone out of Medi's way, pushing her away with her free hand. “That's where you're wrong” she said, laughing slightly and opening the text message. “it's not from James, it's from David”
She read the text and wandered back into the living room as Medi looked at her suspiciously.

“Fantastic. Drinks deffo on me 2moro. CU @ station 8am 2moz. Dx!
Donna smiled, then showed the phone to Medi, who visibly relaxed. She knew Donna well enough to know that this was a good sign.

“Is David that one who works in your maths department?” she asked. Donna nodded. “The one that's cute in that geeky 'I look this tired cos I've been up all night playing Resident Evil' sort of way?”
This confused Donna. She'd never thought of David as cute before, but now that Medi had said that, she knew exactly what she meant, and knew that this was a pretty good description of him. She began to smile as Medi continued. “The one who looks out of place in a suit, like he should be wearing baggy jeans and a tshirt with some obscure band on the front?” Donna was definitely grinning now; Medi had just perfectly described David's weekend look.
“The one who-” continued Medi, grinning.
“All right, OK, I think we've established which one David is now. And before you start on another one of your matchmaking missions, I'm not interested. David's my friend.” Medi's face fell.
“Hey, you need someone. Even a rebound thing. But I'd advise someone else as your rebound. I'm thinking long term here.” she said, as she began to bounce up and down in her seat in her excitement. Donna rolled her eyes.
“One, he's my friend. Two, I don't want anyone at the moment, and three, he's way too young for me.” said Donna, moving so that Medi, who was still bouncing, wouldn't knock her coffee over.

“He's only a year younger than you. And hey, he's cute!” said Medi, who had stopped bouncing and was looking at Donna intently.
“Two school years younger. He was in my brother's class in school. That'd be embarrassing for starters. Then there's the fact that he does, in fact, stay up all night playing Resident Evil. AND he compares notes with the kids in his classes about the game. He may only be a year younger than me, but half the time, in his head, he's 12 years old.” said Donna, shaking her head.

“if you say so, dear,” said Medi, “Now, sod your coffee. Let's watch 'Black Books' and get bladdered” she added, as she ran into the kitchen and returned with two glasses, a bottle of white and a DVD.

Donna smiled. She supposed she could put up with her classes tomorrow with a slight hangover. Even 9R. She nodded, accepted a glass and they sat back together to get lost in the world of bookshop comedy.


We asked ourselves, "Can we really fight 24 hours?" And the answer was, "We will fight 8,760 hours!"
- Nobuo Uematsu

Last edited by Schlubalybub; August 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pm.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Old August 25th, 2009, 1:50 pm
Schlubalybub's Avatar
Schlubalybub  Female.gif Schlubalybub is offline
Suteki da ne
Joined: 5704 days
Location: North East Wales
Age: 33
Posts: 2,749
Re: As yet unnamed...

Chapter Two has been written!
Feedback as ever- see first post


Chapter Two

...hold your head high and reach the top...”

Donna groaned as she was woken from her slumber at 6 the next morning. The local radio station always insisted on playing some inanely cheesy pop music at this time in the morning, which was meant to cheer its listeners up and get them ready for the day, but instead only served to irritate about 85% of them. S Club 7, she thought as she dragged herself from the bed, should have been banned when they split up. And Donna, in her younger years had been a fan of the chirpy pop group, not that she'd ever admit it now. Only her CD collection betrayed her.

She got into the shower, her head feeling like it was full of helium. She knew these hangovers well; thankfully this was the sort that would vanish after some coffee and toast. As the warm water began to cascade down her body, she began to mull over the events of the day before. She hadn't liked leaving James, but she'd had to. After all, this wasn't the first time he'd had a “thing” with a co-worker. The last time she'd just turned a blind eye, hoping that they could sort it out together, and both Medi and David had thought that she was mad for doing it. As she washed her hair, Donna couldn't help but wonder what had attracted her to James in the first place. She often thought of this when she was in the shower; it was the place that she could truly be in her own thoughts. James had been charming, she realised, and that was probably his downfall as well as one of his more endearing features. She sighed, inadvertently inhaling a mouthful of water as she did so, and had a rather unattractive coughing fit.

Once she had recovered, she finished rinsing her hair and got out of the shower. She went back to her room, bumping into a very tired looking Medi on the way.
Mornin'” said Medi, yawning. “How's the head?”
Not bad,” replied Donna. “How's yours?”
Feels like I've been smacked around the head with a salted breeze block” she replied. Donna grinned; Medi always made out that her hangovers were a lot worse than they actually were, and she'd be bouncing around as usual in about half an hour. She asked Medi if she wanted any breakfast, but Medi shook her head, looking repulsed. Donna shrugged and went downstairs to make some breakfast for herself. As she was waiting for her toast to brown, she switched her phone on. There was a message from David, telling her that he'd have the coffee waiting for her at the station at 8 as usual, and a text and voicemail from James, the text asking her to think about what she'd done and he'd still have her back if she'd come, and the voicemail, obviously from much later in the night, was a slurred message about her being a slut, and how she'd driven him to the blonde. She laughed; Medi was right, as usual. He had been bad for her. She ran back upstairs and burst into Medi's room, where she was lying on the bed, groaning.
No alcohol for me ever again” she moaned. Donna rolled her eyes; she knew that sort of talk- it usually lasted about three hours, then Medi would be planning her next night out.
Fine, you aren't coming out with the people from work tonight, which means I won't introduce you properly to David. Now listen to this” said Donna as she replayed the message James had left on her voicemail. As if by magic, Medi's hangover disappeared and a grin began to spread across her face.
Looks like he had a much worse night than you did” she giggled. Donna nodded and motioned for Medi to follow her downstairs to carry on their conversation.

As Donna buttered her toast and Medi made coffee, they began a list of things they didn't like about James. Maybe it was harsh, but that's how the pair always saw a relationship out, ever since they were at school.
Bad hair” began Medi. “And I'm not on about the colour, even though it was obvious that dyed it. He looked as though he cut it himself”
He did” smiled Donna. “With nail scissors. And I found the 'Just For Men' in the bin that day after I stayed here...”
Told you! And looked like he bought his clothes from M&S old man's department” continued Medi. Donna grinned; James had indeed bought most of his clothing from Marks and Spencer, and although there was nothing wrong with that in itself, she thought, he did insist on buying the sort of clothes that her own grandfather wouldn't have been seen dead in.
The cheating, of course” continued Donna, her mouth full of buttery toast.
Goes without saying. The stinginess- what about that time he wouldn't sponsor you to do that sponsored run, even though it was for Cancer Research and it meant a lot to you, then the next day bought himself a new PlayStation that he didn't even need 'cause he'd just bought an Xbox?” said Medi.
I know...” said Donna, sighing. “You know, Medi, this doesn't have the same effect it used to. It used to cleanse us I know, but I just feel *****y now.”
Medi looked at her. “OK. Now can I come out with you tonight or not? I hate not knowing other friends of yours, I need to meet this David one. Why hasn't he been out with the School lot before?” she asked.
He was doing night classes- he's just managed to get his second year of a psychology degree done- he wants some extra qualifications, but likes working as a maths assistant” replied Donna. Medi nodded; Donna was starting something similar with an English degree after the summer holidays.
So can I come then?” asked Medi. Donna grinned and nodded; Medi's hangover had disappeared even quicker than usual.
Yeah, I'll let them know tonight. Usual crowd, you know, Jane, Rich, Toni, plus David of course. But that crew.” said Donna, washing her plate before shouldering her bag full of files. “Now I'd better go, that train won't wait for me, and I've got a bit further to go than usual”
OK. You coming back before you go out or should I meet you there?” asked Medi
Meet us there, we're doing the Bay tonight- we'll be in the Litten Tree by six” replied Donna, catching a spare set of keys Medi was throwing to her.
Right then. See you there” Medi called as Donna rushed out of the door.
Bye” shouted Donna and slammed the door behind her.


We asked ourselves, "Can we really fight 24 hours?" And the answer was, "We will fight 8,760 hours!"
- Nobuo Uematsu

Reply With Quote
Old March 15th, 2010, 2:18 pm
Schlubalybub's Avatar
Schlubalybub  Female.gif Schlubalybub is offline
Suteki da ne
Joined: 5704 days
Location: North East Wales
Age: 33
Posts: 2,749
Re: As yet unnamed...

This next chapter is short- read unfinished- but I forgot that I'd done it


Chapter three.

Donna ran down the hill and got to the train station just as her train was pulling up. She got on, smiling gratefully at the guard who opened the door for her as she reached it. She went into the carriage and found an empty seat just before the schoolkids started pouring in through the door at the other end. It was a pretty uneventful journey- a couple of kids had a minor scrap over a football magazine, but that was it. Donna spent the journey staring out of the window, watching as the landscape changed from farmland to seaside. She got off the train at Colwyn Bay as usual, and there was David, unusually standing on the platform waiting for her- he normally met her in the car park. He was standing there with two cups of coffee as promised. Donna went up to him and he handed her her drink.
“Thought you'd like to see a friendly face as you got off the train,” he said as she sipped her scalding coffee. She smiled at him. “And I was worried that the lovely James would make an appearance this morning- I wouldn't put it past him” he added darkly. Donna looked at him.
“He wasn't that weird” she told him. David looked at her sceptically.
“Think about what he's done in the past couple of weeks” he said as he unlocked the car. Donna sighed and they drove to the school in silence. Donna knew that David wasn't in a mood with her, he just didn't want her to be hurt. She knew that she should stop sticking up for James now that they'd split up, but it was so ingrained into her personality that it was a difficult habit to break.

They pulled into the school car park, and got out of the car. As David locked up his car, Donna spoke.
“Medi's coming out with us tonight, so you'll get to meet her properly. As long as you don't mind that is...” she said. David rolled his eyes but smiled.
“I suppose I have to meet her sometime- I mean us both being your friend.” he said.
"Yes, you should" replied Donna. She wanted David to like Medi, and Medi to like David, but she wasn't sure whether it was going to happen. "Anyway, you have met her before- she knew who you were anyway"

"yeah, I met her. For five whole minutes. She seemed kinda cool" said David, as they were buzzed into the main door. Donna smiled. Five minutes wasn't exactly something you could judge a person on, but it was a start, she thought as she signed in on the staff sheet. They made their way up to the staff room, hoping they were early enough to grab a coffee.

"You're bloody addicted to caffeine" said David, as Donna started to make another coffee. "You've just had one of those, and now another. I know you're all upset about the James thing, but coffee isn't going to take away the fact that he chose that bimbo over you"

The staff room went silent. Donna glared at David, furious with him. David blushed, mumbled "sorry", and turned to his locker. Donna poured hot water into her cup, shouldered her bag again and walked out of the staff room towards the English Department.


We asked ourselves, "Can we really fight 24 hours?" And the answer was, "We will fight 8,760 hours!"
- Nobuo Uematsu

Last edited by Schlubalybub; May 16th, 2012 at 12:08 pm.
Reply With Quote
Go Back  Chamber of Secrets > The Writing on the Wall > Novella


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

All times are GMT +1. The time now is 10:56 pm.

Powered by: vBulletin, Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Original content is Copyright © MMII - MMVIII, CoSForums.com. All Rights Reserved.
Other content (posts, images, etc) is Copyright © its respective owners.