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A story of modern Dragons



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  #1  
Old February 28th, 2010, 6:43 pm
Frogki  Male.gif Frogki is offline
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A story of modern Dragons

There once was a boy, a boy who cared deeply about the magical world. The boy, who's name was Naton, was interested in getting a dragon. Only special people knew about this world, and only they could choose to reveal it to the rest of the world. These people did not call themselves wizards, for they had no true powers, only an access to this magical world from a young age. These people learned more than any normal child did. They learned about the real snap dragons, flowers that had a giant fleshy dragon-like animal that was attached on the stock. They were not dangerous, however, they were delicate, and as such, care was taken to keep them intact for study. And then there were magical creatures. These are abundant, and as such, many of them are for sale. The most popular by far are dragons, who can live for many years. These are about the size of a large puppy when they are young, and in the five years it takes them to grow up, they grow to the size of a small passenger airplane. One day, Naton, who was only fourteen at the time, walked into the magical pet store, which smelled sweet despite the many smelly animals it held. It held snakes with wings, birds the size of large tvs, and others. Obviously they had dragons, seeing as they were so popular. The dragon pen was filled with many colorful dragons, some only a few days old, wrestling, stumbling, and even trying to fly. Naton looked around for a few seconds before heading over to the dragon play pen. Naton, who wasn't in the least extraordinary apart from his connection to this world, was here to buy a dragon. The dragons gathered at the front where there was glass, much like in a dog shop, and looked at him curiously. Naton knew that the dragons wouldn't always be this cute, that they would grow into huge animals. He had to look at them... One in particular was interested in the boy. This dragon was a blue red spike tail, and it looked extremely loving. A manager came over to Naton and said "Ohh yes, a new variety of spike tail, it has fuzz on its head. Would you like it?" asked the manager. Naton looked at the dragon for a few moments, who was now rolling around goffily, and nodded, smiling.

Any suggestions?

The dragon played some more as Naton went to the dragon care section of the store, which looked like a dog care store. He picked a carrier, a bed, and a dog toy for the dragon to chew and play with.


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  #2  
Old August 24th, 2010, 12:23 am
Fiachra  Male.gif Fiachra is offline
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Re: A story of modern Dragons

Just a general suggestion: It's a good idea to paragraph your writing for online posting. As someone who's been running writing communities for going on two years, I can attest that critiquers hate nothing more than reading walls of text. We're incredibly picky individuals. :P

I see you have a solid concept here, apart from a few clichés (but hey, we're talking about dragons here...). The trouble is, a lot of the sort of writing style you employ here is not enjoyable to read. You need to get in there, expanding individual scenes out. Imagine what the characters are doing, what the characters are saying and the like, and stop dumping information on us. I'll give you a few examples from your own stuff here

Here you have two definitive parts:

Quote:
There once was a boy, a boy who cared deeply about the magical world. The boy, who's name was Naton, was interested in getting a dragon. Only special people knew about this world, and only they could choose to reveal it to the rest of the world. These people did not call themselves wizards, for they had no true powers, only an access to this magical world from a young age. These people learned more than any normal child did. They learned about the real snap dragons, flowers that had a giant fleshy dragon-like animal that was attached on the stock. They were not dangerous, however, they were delicate, and as such, care was taken to keep them intact for study. And then there were magical creatures. These are abundant, and as such, many of them are for sale. The most popular by far are dragons, who can live for many years. These are about the size of a large puppy when they are young, and in the five years it takes them to grow up, they grow to the size of a small passenger airplane.
That is all exposition^. Readers hate being greeted with it at the start of every chapter, and they give it a dreaded name: ''infodump.'' Find different ways of conveying it, such as through dialogue (it's overused, but it's a good starting point), internal monologue, overheard conversations, background tv, radio etc. You get my point.

Quote:
One day, Naton, who was only fourteen at the time, walked into the magical pet store, which smelled sweet despite the many smelly animals it held. It held snakes with wings, birds the size of large tvs, and others. Obviously they had dragons, seeing as they were so popular. The dragon pen was filled with many colorful dragons, some only a few days old, wrestling, stumbling, and even trying to fly. Naton looked around for a few seconds before heading over to the dragon play pen. Naton, who wasn't in the least extraordinary apart from his connection to this world, was here to buy a dragon. The dragons gathered at the front where there was glass, much like in a dog shop, and looked at him curiously. Naton knew that the dragons wouldn't always be this cute, that they would grow into huge animals. He had to look at them... One in particular was interested in the boy. This dragon was a blue red spike tail, and it looked extremely loving. A manager came over to Naton and said "Ohh yes, a new variety of spike tail, it has fuzz on its head. Would you like it?" asked the manager. Naton looked at the dragon for a few moments, who was now rolling around goffily, and nodded, smiling.
People like reading more of this sort of stuff ^, because it's interesting and engaging. Do you get me?


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Last edited by Fiachra; August 24th, 2010 at 2:08 am.
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  #3  
Old September 18th, 2010, 2:19 am
Frogki  Male.gif Frogki is offline
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Re: A story of modern Dragons

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fiachra View Post
Just a general suggestion: It's a good idea to paragraph your writing for online posting. As someone who's been running writing communities for going on two years, I can attest that critiquers hate nothing more than reading walls of text. We're incredibly picky individuals. :P

I see you have a solid concept here, apart from a few clichés (but hey, we're talking about dragons here...). The trouble is, a lot of the sort of writing style you employ here is not enjoyable to read. You need to get in there, expanding individual scenes out. Imagine what the characters are doing, what the characters are saying and the like, and stop dumping information on us. I'll give you a few examples from your own stuff here

Here you have two definitive parts:



That is all exposition^. Readers hate being greeted with it at the start of every chapter, and they give it a dreaded name: ''infodump.'' Find different ways of conveying it, such as through dialogue (it's overused, but it's a good starting point), internal monologue, overheard conversations, background tv, radio etc. You get my point.



People like reading more of this sort of stuff ^, because it's interesting and engaging. Do you get me?
Oh yes, I understand exactly what you mean. It's been a while since I've given this story any thought, but I had just been beginning to get detail down when I wrote this. I apologize if this was agonizing to read (be brutally honest with me xD)... I'm working on something else now, but I may come back to this later. Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to heed it in the future. If I ever get finished with what I'm working on now, it will be posted. Thanks for the advice, hope you comment on my next story


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