The Poetry Writing Thread v2

[Eliya]

Cadia, ArthurWeasley, thanks for your opinion! I thought about abondoning these forms but in this very poem I really needed them to make it more expressive Next poems I'll try to write in a more modern way

myr613657 thank you very much, I'm so very happy you liked it!

Originally Posted by myr613657

I also noticed you are a Van Gogh fan as I am! He was the most brilliant of artists. I wish I could have known him. Most of the books written about him, paint him out to be some kind of artistic manic. I just think he was very misunderstood, under-appreciated and underestimated as a man and artist in his time. I’d love to have a piece of his brilliance to display in my home.

I do like Van Gogh... funny thing, we were born in the same day... When I saw his Starry Night, I was like WOW, there is something incredibly capturing in his works. As for being artistic manic and whatever, well, I think many creative personalities are weird and misunderstood because their views on life are quite different from other people. And indeed many great artists were under-appreciated in their time and became famous only after their death.
As for me, it would be great to have that Starry Night picture on my wall

ArthurWeasley Good poem I agree with your thought there

[IntricateLogic]

Originally Posted by NadaYAK

Sexual Harassment … a Reply

"Hey, babe, want my digits ?"

No, I don't want your number at all.
What makes you think I'd give you a call ?
Stop acting cool in front of all your peers.
I'm sick of your smiles and your wicked, wicked leers.
Don't try to touch me with your God awful hands.
C'mon now, do you really think you stand a chance ?
Acting all great, trying to feed me a bunch of lies.
Don't even think about undressing me with your eyes !
I'm sick of annoying little idiots like you,
Who think that I have nothing better to do
Than act like I'm your personal treat.
Forget it ! I'm a female, not a piece of meat.
I have my standards, and boy, they're high.
Do you really think I'd put out for any guy ?
I know I'm great, oh, and pretty damn hot, too.
So what makes you think I'd go out with you ?

I think that hands and chance is a bit of a stretch, and I'm not to sure it works since in the rest of your poem, two lines rhyme, then the next two lines, etc.
Other than that, it's pretty good. Sexual harassment is definately a problem, especially in schools.

This is awful, I apologize in advance.

I'll Stay By You

Watch the evening sun,
Disappear from view;
Watch the spring time flowers,
Die and turn to dust;
Watch all of the people,
Leave again and again;
When everything is gone,
I'll stay by you.

[Alfonzo]

Hullo folks, I found out recently that due to an error with pruning of threads, the first version of the Poetry Writing Thread has accidentally been deleted. As far as I'm aware, there isn't a way to retrieve the lost content, but I will ask about it.

[Cadia]

NOooooo!!! What about the project you were planning to do with it? And all our grand-semi-made-plans? boohoo!

IntricateLogic, your poem is sweet, but, to be brutally honest, it's kind of cliche. But your goal is sincere and the emotion honest. I think perhaps you just need some practice expressing these things in original ways.

If anyone would be so kind as to navigate to the Flourish and Blotts Poetry Corner of the Deathly Hallows area, you will find a poem I just wrote. Comments/criticism would be greatly appreciated!

[Cadia]

This thread needs to stay on the first page and get more active!

[owlchick9]

Originally Posted by Cadia

This thread needs to stay on the first page and get more active!

I need to go find some poems!

[ArthurWeasley]

another frilvolous attempt by me to keep our poetry writing thread on the front page.......enjoy.......AW


again I find we've been let go
and ask myself, "how is this so?"
"do we offend, and not amuse?"
"or lend ideas you can use?"

they tell of female harrassed replies
and how we can't reduce our thighs
of false farewells, dancing on stages
and that's in just the last few pages

a queen who's hair is pure as gold
another marriage lost, is told
Utopia is not so real
when War exists it's pain we feel

I pen these words, but they aren't mine
they're compiled works of your design
put on this site for us to seek
some soft advice or hard critique

so visit often, maybe more
heaven forbid, we make page four
at least for now the deed is done
I bumped us back to be page one



hehe, I can't stand the thought of having to hunt and look for this page.......AW

IntricateLogic: I'll Stand isn't "awful" it's simple but nice, no apology needed
NadaYAK: I like your reply, I hope it's not from personal experience that you've had to pen this but us "guys" do tend to act like donkeys.....lol
phoenix_flame: I loved the imagery of War, it really shows that no war is a good war and so much of it revolves around the pain at home
machiavelle: now "Thighs" is a poem in my own style, cute, funny, very witty, nice job.......AW

[phoenix_flame]

Originally Posted by ArthurWeasley

another frilvolous attempt by me to keep our poetry writing thread on the front page.......enjoy.......AW


again I find we've been let go
and ask myself, "how is this so?"
"do we offend, and not amuse?"
"or lend ideas you can use?"

they tell of female harrassed replies
and how we can't reduce our thighs
of false farewells, dancing on stages
and that's in just the last few pages

a queen who's hair is pure as gold
another marriage lost, is told
Utopia is not so real
when War exists it's pain we feel

I pen these words, but they aren't mine
they're compiled works of your design
put on this site for us to seek
some soft advice or hard critique

so visit often, maybe more
heaven forbid, we make page four
at least for now the deed is done
I bumped us back to be page one



hehe, I can't stand the thought of having to hunt and look for this page.......AW

phoenix_flame: I loved the imagery of War, it really shows that no war is a good war and so much of it revolves around the pain at home

It is hard to keep it up, isn't it? Anyways, I"m in absolute love with your poem!
You make all of our poems into one, in a very entertaining, and well written one. Not much I can say bad against it, or give you adivece one, because as you said, it was only an atempt.

Thanks for the comment on mine. I love War so much, and it's nice to know that others like it as well. Okay, so my next poem is a narrative, so it's a little long...well not that long. It was a fleeting idea that I tried to get on paper, but not sure if it worked....I tried to get the feelings down on paper, but it was hard because the feelings weren't something I'm used to, or haven't felt in a long time. The words repeat themselves a lot, or so I found the last time I tried to edit it...So lots of comments on it would be nice!

Cherished Farewells

The wind blows her hair lightly,
Her blue eyes moist
As we stand together in the park
Hands clasped together tightly

Light draining from the sky
Like the grains of time slipping through our fingers
We both knew this day would come
When I would have to leave

But we hadn’t thought it would be so soon
This sad goodbye,
Her silent tears
Bring memories back to me

Not once when we first met
Did it cross my mind, nor hers I do believe
That love would spark between us
So we parted ways politely

But fate had other plans
He threw us together many times
We’d smile and laugh,
Saying quick goodbyes

Still thrown together
An invisible line pulled tight
Our goodbyes grew harder
Till the day came when our farewells were sweet

We had so little time together,
Two happy years of learning
We’d laugh as we part
Remembering our previous sweet farewells

Three years to the day
When fate first introduced us
And our first exultant goodbye
We joined together forever

Soon into our marriage
The fateful day came
A visit to the doctor
Confirmed the cancer in my cells

Tears were shed, and comforted
Treatment after treatment
Our love grew strong still
We thought I was getting better

But then a new bump we discovered
The cancer had spread
And I knew my fight was over
Yet nothing did I say

Despite our love of our goodbyes
This one I did not want to say
So I fought the best I could
But life began to slip away

Two weeks in the hospital
We both were almost dead
I begged her to go home and sleep
But her fear of a final goodbye
Kept her at my side

Plans were made
When she hesitantly left my side
I could not let her hear
My final thoughts on life

We both still dreaded that final send-off
Though we knew the time was near
My body was weak,
My will power leaving me

Now standing together
The sun almost gone
I know it’s time
I have to let her go

My body is gone
But my spirit lives on
But we both need to let go
And utter those last words

My transparent hands leave her solid ones
And I begin to fade away
My whispered farewell leaves my lips
Traveling on the wind

She smiles,
I know she understands
This final goodbye is not the end
Just merely another of our cherished farewells.

[Alfonzo]

Originally Posted by Cadia

NOooooo!!! What about the project you were planning to do with it? And all our grand-semi-made-plans? boohoo!

I know .

Apologies for not being around to provide critique... I have some free time so I'll try and get some on the go soon.

[Anhelda]

Originally Posted by phoenix_flame

Cherished Farewells

The wind blows her hair lightly,
Her blue eyes moist
As we stand together in the park
Hands clasped together tightly

Light draining from the sky
Like the grains of time slipping through our fingers
We both knew this day would come
When I would have to leave

But we hadn’t thought it would be so soon
This sad goodbye,
Her silent tears
Bring memories back to me

Considering what you say in the rest of the poem, the first stanzas could probably be eliminated for the sake of conciseness, as you say something very similar again at the end. I think it may be a more powerful piece if you tell the story in sequence instead of starting with the final farewell. That way, each farewell builds upon the last instead of making it obvious at the start that the couple is "doomed" or "star-crossed" or what-have-you. I think the next stanza could serve quite nicely as an opening.

Not once when we first met
Did it cross my mind, nor hers I do believe
That love would spark between us
So we parted ways politely

But fate had other plans
He threw us together many times
We’d smile and laugh,
Saying quick goodbyes

Still thrown together
An invisible line pulled tight
Our goodbyes grew harder
Till the day came when our farewells were sweet

That last stanza really appeals to me

We had so little time together,
Two happy years of learning
We’d laugh as we part
Remembering our previous sweet farewells

Three years to the day
When fate first introduced us
And our first exultant goodbye
We joined together forever

Soon into our marriage
The fateful day came
A visit to the doctor
Confirmed the cancer in my cells

Tears were shed, and comforted
Treatment after treatment
Our love grew strong still
We thought I was getting better

But then a new bump we discovered
The cancer had spread
And I knew my fight was over
Yet nothing did I say

Some of the phrasing in that last stanza, and a little in the next, is awkward--why not say "But then we discovered a new bump" or "Yet I said nothing" or "Despite our love of goodbyes, I did not want to say this one" (maybe "this farewell" instead of "this one" too) instead of the inverted sentence style? It may just be personal taste, but I don't think the inversion really adds, and you're not trying to make a rhyme, so I would try to speak more plainly the way you do in the rest of the poem.

Despite our love of our goodbyes
This one I did not want to say
So I fought the best I could
But life began to slip away

Two weeks in the hospital
We both were almost dead
I begged her to go home and sleep
But her fear of a final goodbye
Kept her at my side

There's a stylistic break here, with this being the only stanza that has five lines instead of four--a minor point, but since you're structuring the rest of the poem to four lines, and there's nothing in this stanza to make it important enough to break style, I suggest trying to tighten this to four lines as well. Also, the fact that one member of the couple truly is dying and the other is not, I don't know about the "We both were almost dead" line--it sort of tosses out death like a synonym for tired instead of being actual death, and that may lessen the overall importance of death in the poem. However, a part of me likes the image of the couple dying because one half of the couple is dying--so I guess I'm torn about this one.

Plans were made
When she hesitantly left my side
I could not let her hear
My final thoughts on life

If you're not going to tell about what plans were made or your "final thoughts on life", I think I might trim that stanza--I don't know that it adds anything as is.

We both still dreaded that final send-off
Though we knew the time was near
My body was weak,
My will power leaving me

Now standing together
The sun almost gone
I know it’s time
I have to let her go

My body is gone
But my spirit lives on
But we both need to let go
And utter those last words

My transparent hands leave her solid ones
And I begin to fade away
My whispered farewell leaves my lips
Traveling on the wind

She smiles,
I know she understands
This final goodbye is not the end
Just merely another of our cherished farewells.

Overall, this is a touching and beautiful poem that I liked very much. The end is utterly lovely, and I love the emphasis in the whole poem about how farewells, although sad, can be sweet as well, especially when you know they'll lead eventually to another "hello."

In the interests of posting a new poem when I don't really have a good one, I'll just make up a little bitty one:

Haiku inspired by scenes from the Cuyahoga Valley National Park:
White and pink lotus
Floating in a quiet pool
Like pearls on satin.

Spring Hollow, green as
The ultimate jealousy
For lush richness.

Five little turtles
Bask in the summer sunshine
On the swamped old log.

[phoenix_flame]

Originally Posted by Anhelda

Considering what you say in the rest of the poem, the first stanzas could probably be eliminated for the sake of conciseness, as you say something very similar again at the end. I think it may be a more powerful piece if you tell the story in sequence instead of starting with the final farewell. That way, each farewell builds upon the last instead of making it obvious at the start that the couple is "doomed" or "star-crossed" or what-have-you. I think the next stanza could serve quite nicely as an opening.

That last stanza really appeals to me

Some of the phrasing in that last stanza, and a little in the next, is awkward--why not say "But then we discovered a new bump" or "Yet I said nothing" or "Despite our love of goodbyes, I did not want to say this one" (maybe "this farewell" instead of "this one" too) instead of the inverted sentence style? It may just be personal taste, but I don't think the inversion really adds, and you're not trying to make a rhyme, so I would try to speak more plainly the way you do in the rest of the poem.

There's a stylistic break here, with this being the only stanza that has five lines instead of four--a minor point, but since you're structuring the rest of the poem to four lines, and there's nothing in this stanza to make it important enough to break style, I suggest trying to tighten this to four lines as well. Also, the fact that one member of the couple truly is dying and the other is not, I don't know about the "We both were almost dead" line--it sort of tosses out death like a synonym for tired instead of being actual death, and that may lessen the overall importance of death in the poem. However, a part of me likes the image of the couple dying because one half of the couple is dying--so I guess I'm torn about this one.

If you're not going to tell about what plans were made or your "final thoughts on life", I think I might trim that stanza--I don't know that it adds anything as is.


Overall, this is a touching and beautiful poem that I liked very much. The end is utterly lovely, and I love the emphasis in the whole poem about how farewells, although sad, can be sweet as well, especially when you know they'll lead eventually to another "hello."

In the interests of posting a new poem when I don't really have a good one, I'll just make up a little bitty one:

Haiku inspired by scenes from the Cuyahoga Valley National Park:
White and pink lotus
Floating in a quiet pool
Like pearls on satin.

Spring Hollow, green as
The ultimate jealousy
For lush richness.

Five little turtles
Bask in the summer sunshine
On the swamped old log.

Wow! What can I say? Your advice is going to help me out a lot.
I know the stanza with five lines really tore me up. I couldn't find a way to cut anything out, or add more things. But I will try to compress it.
I'll have to think over the "We both were almost dead" line. Now tha tI think about it, the word 'dead' doesn't seem right, but like you said, the picture I get does add something to the poem.
Thanks for all the great stuff you said about the poem, and all the help you've given me!

I'm not sure how to critic Haikus, because they can be some simple, but yet so powerful at the same time.
I love the one about the turtles, it makes me smile.
I also like 'green as the ultimate jealousy.'
It's a nice comparasion.

[harryismyhero17]

I've decided to delete my last post. One, because i think it was a little too gloomy and two, because i wrote a new poem and i want to see what you guys think of it. Oh and by the way, Anhelda i really like your Spring Hollows one. I've never actually read 'Haikus' before and to be honest i don't really know what they are, but in any case i like yours.
Okay so here is my new poem (if you want my old one just owl me or something)

You're not an Athlete, But an Artist

Move, like no one
is watching you.
Even though,
there is.

Spin, like no one
sees you.
But you're clearly,
not invisible.

Jump, like you don't
care what people think.
However it weighs heavily,
upon your shoulders.

Dance, like there is
no tommorow.



Critism and comments are more then welcome!

[phoenix_flame]

Originally Posted by harryismyhero17

You're not an Athlete, But an Artist

Move, like no one
is watching you.
Even though,
there is.

Spin, like no one
sees you.
But you're clearly,
not invisible.

Jump, like you don't
care what people think.
However it weighs heavily,
upon your shoulders.

Dance, like there is
no tommorow.



Critism and comments are more then welcome!

I like it. Just because I'm an athlete {soccer}, and it really hits home, does that make sense? I hope it does. I think the wording of this; However it weighs heavily,
upon your shoulders. just needs to be changed around a little. It doesn't seem to flow like the rest. Maybe try something like HOwever heavily it weighs, upon shoulders.
Hope that helps!

No peom from me...unless I pull something out of my head. I"ll edit this post later with one.


EDIT: So I found one poem. You'll notice a trend going through my poems about goodbyes. That's only because for English we had to write/find poems on one theme. This one was hard to write because we got a story that repeated words a lot, and had to use words only from the story to make a poem. So here is what I like to call; Father's Thought.

Leaning against the fence,
The man’s eyes slowly closed
How long had he stood there,
It seemed very long
He had been holding the little finger
His hands left empty
The clock ticking slowly,
The small Pete staggered over to him,
Dreaming of Tibet and snow.

[harryismyhero17]

Originally Posted by phoenix_flame

I like it. Just because I'm an athlete {soccer}, and it really hits home, does that make sense? I hope it does. I think the wording of this; However it weighs heavily,
upon your shoulders. just needs to be changed around a little. It doesn't seem to flow like the rest. Maybe try something like HOwever heavily it weighs, upon shoulders.
Hope that helps!

yes that makes sense! thank you very much for your suggestion! i was actually wondering about those two lines .

EDIT: So I found one poem. You'll notice a trend going through my poems about goodbyes. That's only because for English we had to write/find poems on one theme. This one was hard to write because we got a story that repeated words a lot, and had to use words only from the story to make a poem. So here is what I like to call; Father's Thought.

Leaning against the fence,
The man’s eyes slowly closed
How long had he stood there,
It seemed very long
He had been holding the little finger
His hands left empty
The clock ticking slowly,
The small Pete staggered over to him,
Dreaming of Tibet and snow.

aww. i really like this! sorry i know we're supposed to leave the author with something to think about and/or suggest something to change but, i really don't have anything to suggest. it's quite beautiful the way it is.

[harryismyhero17]

EDIT: so i wrote a poem and wondered what everyone thought of it. it's supposed to be about the holocost, so i understand if some people might not want to comment about it.

Going Soon

Locked up in a room,
with no place to go.
They take a few everytime.
Hearing screams
during the night.
Seeing white flakes
fall from the sky.
And thinking it
won't be long.
Knowing I'll be
next.
I take one last
look outside.
But see nothing
but my pale face
staring back.

[potterposse]

that's good. sad.

[harryismyhero17]

Originally Posted by potterposse

that's good. sad.

thank you.

[quiditchwitch]

I got bored and decided to write about music:

Musing About Music
Music is the language of all languages
It speaks when no other words can
needn’t lyrics, needn’t reason
It can make us cry
And laugh
And do overall stupid things
Like want to play the cowbell.
Music is doing what you love to do
It doesn’t need instruments or notes
Or a songbook or pinprick points on paper
Music can be a pen scratching paper
Or pitching a no hitter
Or painting a masterpiece.
Music doesn’t need sound
Sound needs music
Without music
sound would quite simply not exist
Because music is every whisper of the wind
Every slam of a door
Every impatient click
Every intake of breath
Every beat of our heart.
Music is humanity
It’s so palpably deep into our flesh
In our history
In our albums and cassettes
in our old milk crates in our basements
Telling the story of our lives and loves lost
Telling where we come from
And where we’re going.
Music doesn’t make us
We make music
A trombone isn’t sarcastic unless we see it fit
Or oboe rueful
Nor a Spanish guitar passionate
We make the music swanky
Or grotesque
Or animated
Or melancholy
Until we apply some pressure.
Music is passion
So much left to the imagination
So much more revealed
A hallowed noise
Inexplicably profound
Every great love comes back to music.
Music is that faint background noise that you hear in your life
Or maybe that’s just your ipod.
Music lives in you
It never really was notes
Or measures
Or time signatures.
It lives and breathes
Cries when you cry
Laughs when you laugh
Wants to play cowbell too.

Yeah I know - a bit corny.

[hpgirl21053]

I know this is dark and has offensive words....so if u don't like that, and will get offended....don't read...




Hard

I cry, but what does that do?
****ing life with my fist,
punching walls of dusty illusions,
bleeding blood of icy insanity.

Tears drip out of my drowning face,
licking lies off my ruined soul,
sending deathly pulses of
energy out of my body.

You ****ed me up hard;
daggers sticking out of my lungs
from cracking screams;
Don't hear.

Shards of disasters stuck down my
throat;
stares laughing in unison at
my lonely self;
madness in my mind.

Hit me hard;
eyes bloodshot.
Bruises of words;
no help,
****ing me up hard

Anger itches my skin;
leaches of emotion
sucking my lifeless skin,
taking my mind.

Try to help;
words empty;
fake sympathy shooting at
my absorbent skin;
a burn.

Buckets of nothing
down my face;
lost in a
maze, a labyrinth
of sticky memories,
lush with new hate.



about the above poetry....it's not corny

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by hpgirl21053

I know this is dark and has offensive words....so if u don't like that, and will get offended....don't read...




Hard

I cry, but what does that do?
****ing life with my fist,
punching walls of dusty illusions,
bleeding blood of icy insanity.

Tears drip out of my drowning face,
licking lies off my ruined soul,
sending deathly pulses of
energy out of my body.

You ****ed me up hard;
daggers sticking out of my lungs
from cracking screams;
Don't hear.

Shards of disasters stuck down my
throat;
stares laughing in unison at
my lonely self;
madness in my mind.

Hit me hard;
eyes bloodshot.
Bruises of words;
no help,
****ing me up hard

Anger itches my skin;
leaches of emotion
sucking my lifeless skin,
taking my mind.

Try to help;
words empty;
fake sympathy shooting at
my absorbent skin;
a burn.

Buckets of nothing
down my face;
lost in a
maze, a labyrinth
of sticky memories,
lush with new hate.

I really like some of the metaphors you use, especially 'licking lies off my soul'. Not my cup of tea, but well written, very emotional.



Until My Next Eternity

You are it
You are the world
You are the everything
You are in my head
You are in my mind
You are in my heart
You are the air
You are the dream
You are the escape
You are the problem
You are the touch, the taste, the sound, the smell, and the vision
Until the next one
And when it comes
Consider yourself gone
Catch you round
In my next eternity.

Comments/ Critique?