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The Poetry Writing Thread v2



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  #41  
Old March 10th, 2007, 5:43 pm
Browneyes85  Female.gif Browneyes85 is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArthurWeasley View Post
so glad to see that we've been so active that it required a new thread to be opened up, the talent here is amazing and I see some new faces too.....welcome. I'll come back soon to post some long-winded comments about some of the latest post. And then I'll post some of the most inspiring, well thoughtout, colorful, poetic verse you ever seen or maybe I'll just post some of my own stuff.....lol (you know the usual drab, slapstick bag of tricks I use.....hehe) AW
looking forward to it ...


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  #42  
Old March 14th, 2007, 3:40 pm
Cadia's Avatar
Cadia  Female.gif Cadia is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Erich View Post
Things I Find At Work

Roaches, spiders, earthworms, beetles
Bags of pot, 2 used needles
Condoms (used), a pair of shoes
Condoms (new), another shoe
Dead mice, dead rats, dead squirrels, dead birds
Old hats, a dollar (ripped in thirds)
Pornography, both gay and straight
Cigarette butts by every gate
DVDs, tapes, cds, books
That woman giving dirty looks
Squirrel nests, one live cat
A stolen car, a baseball bat
Broken glass, "do you have a light?"
"Do you have the time?", "Do you wanna fight?"
Dog sh*t, bird sh*t, mouse sh*t, rat sh*t
Human sh*t, squirrel sh*t, horse sh*t, cat sh*t
Chicken bones, pigeon bones, corn on the cob
What can I say... I love my job
Wow...to be perfectly honest: that's a very well-written, but slightly disgusting poem. Hard to believe everything at first, but I'll take your word for it. One note: it's unusual to see you using such a a steady rhyme scheme. I don't remember that in any of your other writing. It sounds good, though!

Here is a song that I'm working on writing, with guitar accompaniament. It's a little rough at the moment. I may shorten it considerably. At the moment I'm feeling like it's a little too broad. But I really appreciate feedback!!!

Where is Unity

The young man feels
so alone
wandering dark streets,
lost, aimless, roams

The young man sees
a life of woe
His Brothers die
his voice is crying

Out in the dark,
he reaches for something
but misses the mark
there is nothing.

The young man's path
bends away from day
the young man's friends
would kill him tomorrow.

[chorus:]
Where is the life blood
where is the heart song
where is the love, the trust,
the knowledge of what's wrong?

Where are the people
and the voices
raised in song as one or
crying on each others shoulders?

Where is the nation I've
heard tell of
which strived for freedom and justice
for peace, for love?

[end of chorus]

We can be more than differences
and more than the sum of our parts.
where is the voice of the people
that strikes us to our hearts,

The will for what is right,
that will unite,
us all?


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Last edited by Cadia; March 14th, 2007 at 3:43 pm.
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  #43  
Old March 14th, 2007, 6:28 pm
DarkSphynx's Avatar
DarkSphynx  Female.gif DarkSphynx is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Wow, Cadia, those are wonderful lyrics that lots and lots of people can relate to. Good job!

While I'm here, I might as well post a poem I wrote fairly recently. I hardly EVER write poetry, but I just felt the inspiration one day.

Ode To A Ghost Orchid

Slender and beautiful, delicate and slight,
Aglow with tenderness, sleekness and light;
O, how I envy thee, simple and pure,
Innocence, grace, ablaze with allure.


Your petiole frangible yet constant with ease,
Still in the quiet and quiet on the breeze;
And folds of ivory of the finest ilk
Adorn your contour, expanses of silk.


Your scent so sparklingly full of life;
Glistening on the air, vibrant and rife,
Yet it is mere shadow of your physical splendour,
The wonderous poise that it doth engender.


Your beautiful shape, your exquisite form,
Do captivate truly the need to perform,
Of every divinity that God did create,
On the stage of the Earth, so majestic and great.


Yet who would have thought that just a mere flower
Would radiate passion and life with such power
So nobly you stand, as you blossom and shine,
As magnific evidence that our world is divine.


So abundant with essence of beauty are thee
I feel it should surely be all eyes that see;
For ev’ry man that you attract and seduce
Unmeasurable wonder and awe you produce;
Beseech they look upon you with an open heart,
Lest they miss the pure romance of natural art.



I had no idea how to end it, so the last line is a little... bleh. But I was quite proud of the rest of it.


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  #44  
Old March 16th, 2007, 2:21 am
Cadia's Avatar
Cadia  Female.gif Cadia is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkSphynx View Post
Ode To A Ghost Orchid

Slender and beautiful, delicate and slight,
Aglow with tenderness, sleekness and light;
O, how I envy thee, simple and pure,
Innocence, grace, ablaze with allure.

Your petiole frangible yet constant with ease,
Still in the quiet and quiet on the breeze;
And folds of ivory of the finest ilk
Adorn your contour, expanses of silk.

Your scent so sparklingly full of life;
Glistening on the air, vibrant and rife,
Yet it is mere shadow of your physical splendour,
The wonderous poise that it doth engender.

Your beautiful shape, your exquisite form,
Do captivate truly the need to perform,
Of every divinity that God did create,
On the stage of the Earth, so majestic and great.

Yet who would have thought that just a mere flower
Would radiate passion and life with such power
So nobly you stand, as you blossom and shine,
As magnific evidence that our world is divine.

So abundant with essence of beauty are thee
I feel it should surely be all eyes that see;
For ev’ry man that you attract and seduce
Unmeasurable wonder and awe you produce;
Beseech they look upon you with an open heart,
Lest they miss the pure romance of natural art.
That is so pretty. There really is something so special about orchids. And I think you've captured it quite well. There are a few things I would like to point out that might be helpful, though. First, the rhyme is a bit strained at times. That's the pitfall of using rhyme. Most of the time it's a little awkward. I will be the first to admit that I'm not too good at using it myself. It takes a lot of skill. Second, the tone of the poem is slightly, well, stuffy...old-fashioned, I guess. To me, personally, that makes it feel distant and trite. But that is a very personal opinion. To another, it might be just the thing that makes them love the poem.

Here is something I scribbled down yesterday, for a poetry contest with the subject of religion. But, as I am not very happy with this poem (yet), I will probably not submit it. I would LOVE to know what you guys think: (by the way, the words squished together was on purpose.)

Shiny Piety

This representation seemingly
of christendomcries
of spiritual speaks
in echoes of bone of flesh this
this blood business this supposed heartfull soulfull
business, this...

these martyrs these saints
prophets holinesses
Tradition is binding but ancientness-worship reeks even behind the
whitepaint incense brocade prettyburgundy and
the gilded facade
the tableau of sanctified piety in the computerage

What of the parent the establishment
when the child throws the sermon in his face and
the preached-to gasp in the staleness choking
is this the Holyword
direct from the
Apostles mouth?

What of the parent when the socalled believer
believes only in pleasure
and in what comes easy?

What are these profiteers called
preachers?

Athiesm is for the indefatigable
...but I can't live without God
I just don't want him plasticwrapped
please


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  #45  
Old March 16th, 2007, 8:09 pm
owlchick9  Female.gif owlchick9 is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cadia View Post
That is so pretty. There really is something so special about orchids. And I think you've captured it quite well. There are a few things I would like to point out that might be helpful, though. First, the rhyme is a bit strained at times. That's the pitfall of using rhyme. Most of the time it's a little awkward. I will be the first to admit that I'm not too good at using it myself. It takes a lot of skill. Second, the tone of the poem is slightly, well, stuffy...old-fashioned, I guess. To me, personally, that makes it feel distant and trite. But that is a very personal opinion. To another, it might be just the thing that makes them love the poem.

Here is something I scribbled down yesterday, for a poetry contest with the subject of religion. But, as I am not very happy with this poem (yet), I will probably not submit it. I would LOVE to know what you guys think: (by the way, the words squished together was on purpose.)

Shiny Piety

This representation seemingly
of christendomcries
of spiritual speaks
in echoes of bone of flesh this
this blood business this supposed heartfull soulfull
business, this...

these martyrs these saints
prophets holinesses
Tradition is binding but ancientness-worship reeks even behind the
whitepaint incense brocade prettyburgundy and
the gilded facade
the tableau of sanctified piety in the computerage

What of the parent the establishment
when the child throws the sermon in his face and
the preached-to gasp in the staleness choking
is this the Holyword
direct from the
Apostles mouth?

What of the parent when the socalled believer
believes only in pleasure
and in what comes easy?

What are these profiteers called
preachers?

Athiesm is for the indefatigable
...but I can't live without God
I just don't want him plasticwrapped
please
I really liked it... with all the religous allusions and the very last line about not wanting a plastic wrapped God..... really cool....

So I haven't posted in a while (no time) so here we are....
Falling Apart
I'm not comfortable
With not having what I want
And the fact I don't have you
Is what continues to daunt
I'm spoiled and selfsih
Foolsih and small
And I'm so very sorry
You had to see it all
I pushed you too far
Hoping to get my way
But push came to shove
And I regret it day by day
Because I thought if I left
You would come and chase me
But now the last thing you want
Is to even face me
So I walk away
With empty hands and an empty soul
While all my impulses
Finally take a toll
Now I sit alone
With my moronic, impulsive heart
Know I'm not falling in love anymore
Just simply falling apart


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  #46  
Old March 17th, 2007, 1:02 am
Rhea7  Female.gif Rhea7 is offline
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Location: W/ my nose in a book
Age: 25
Posts: 216
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Ok, this is my first time posting in this thread. This may seem a bit out there, kinda ebcasue I talk about a personal expierence, but just think that like your favourite team that you've been on is endign or something to that effect.

The normal and the comfort
Of the same thing every day
Not monotonous, but the type of similar discussion
It’s like your own retreat with the people who you have learned to love
A calm, peaceful ocean
And then, change raises its ugly head
And tosses you into a treacherous storm
Stomach turning and dizzying
It’s the sorrow that the time
Will be lost forever
Never finding that same happiness again
That the file with all the wonderful memories from here in your brain
Will never have a newly saved file
Losing the people
And their wonderful personalities
Because of time marching on
It messes with your happiness
And rains on your parade
You fight against it
Through your bitter tears
You’re disgusted that this must happen
And you realize you’re lost in the ocean
Everything you’re used to thrown out to the sea
In millions of shattered pieces
Like you’re heart
You want to piece it together
To fight against time and everything else
To attempt to put it together
But the news has just been broken
And the shock still shaking your body
Turning your world upside down
And instead you cling to your anchor
The leader of the group
Whose unfortunate role is to ruin a bit of your life
You let your tears fall like the pure rain
And plead there is a way out
You fight against all hope
Against all common sense
To find a way to keep everything the same
But time never stops
The relentless monster of change’s heart keeps beating
Waiting for its next victim


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  #47  
Old March 18th, 2007, 2:40 am
DarkSphynx's Avatar
DarkSphynx  Female.gif DarkSphynx is offline
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Joined: 5041 days
Location: England
Age: 27
Posts: 1,270
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cadia
That is so pretty. There really is something so special about orchids. And I think you've captured it quite well. There are a few things I would like to point out that might be helpful, though. First, the rhyme is a bit strained at times. That's the pitfall of using rhyme. Most of the time it's a little awkward. I will be the first to admit that I'm not too good at using it myself. It takes a lot of skill. Second, the tone of the poem is slightly, well, stuffy...old-fashioned, I guess. To me, personally, that makes it feel distant and trite. But that is a very personal opinion. To another, it might be just the thing that makes them love the poem.
First of all, thanks for the compliment.

Rhyme does create quite a compromise with poetry writing, you're right. I did try to do it without rhyme, but I found that it was too difficult because my writing then became somewhat aimless. I suppose I'm just not well acquainted enough with other structural techniques. And I also think you're right about the poem seeming old-fashioned, and about it being a more personal than technical thing to consider - I myself happen to prefer poems like that, which is the sole reason for my style being similar. Thanks for the constructive criticism!


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  #48  
Old March 30th, 2007, 9:33 pm
rockonhp  Female.gif rockonhp is offline
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Age: 25
Posts: 197
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

I am just going to bring this back up to the first page...


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I searched high and low~To find the words to say~To tell you just how much~I think of you everyday
So I looked far and wide~To find a way to express~That my love for you is~Simply completely endless
And I peered into my heart~To find some room to spare~But it was overflowing~With all your love and care
So I then closed my eyes~And all I saw was you~I could only hope that when~I opened my eyes you’d be there too
So here I am again~Trying to use words to say~That my love for you~Will never go away
But my words seem empty~My love holds so much more~Than any simple letters~Could ever account for
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  #49  
Old April 4th, 2007, 3:07 am
Anhelda's Avatar
Anhelda  Female.gif Anhelda is offline
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 968
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhea7 View Post
Ok, this is my first time posting in this thread. This may seem a bit out there, kinda ebcasue I talk about a personal expierence, but just think that like your favourite team that you've been on is endign or something to that effect.

The normal and the comfort
Of the same thing every day
Not monotonous, but the type of similar discussion
It’s like your own retreat with the people who you have learned to love
A calm, peaceful ocean
And then, change raises its ugly head
And tosses you into a treacherous storm
Stomach turning and dizzying
It’s the sorrow that the time
Will be lost forever
Never finding that same happiness again
That the file with all the wonderful memories from here in your brain
Will never have a newly saved file
Losing the people
And their wonderful personalities
Because of time marching on
It messes with your happiness
And rains on your parade
You fight against it
Through your bitter tears
You’re disgusted that this must happen
And you realize you’re lost in the ocean
Everything you’re used to thrown out to the sea
In millions of shattered pieces
Like you’re heart
You want to piece it together
To fight against time and everything else
To attempt to put it together
But the news has just been broken
And the shock still shaking your body
Turning your world upside down
And instead you cling to your anchor
The leader of the group
Whose unfortunate role is to ruin a bit of your life
You let your tears fall like the pure rain
And plead there is a way out
You fight against all hope
Against all common sense
To find a way to keep everything the same
But time never stops
The relentless monster of change’s heart keeps beating
Waiting for its next victim
You have some nice use of imagery in this piece, but it's way too wordy--it gets very bogged down and repetitive (and perhaps a tad melodramatic). In my creative writing class in college, the prof was always telling us that long poems are all right only if their length is necessary to convey all the ideas you're trying to get across. In this piece, however, you basically repeat the mantra of "i don't like change" over and over again. Try to express yourself more concisely, tighten up the poem's structure, and it will be a stronger piece.

Here's one of mine, in a first draft stage--feel free to offer critique or correction:
Routine Surgery
Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Holding her husband's hand.

Dr. E. stood at the foot of the bed,
Surrounded by attentive residents and students,
Confidently describing the routine procedure
That would remove the bulk of the tumor from Mrs. R.'s ovary
And the subsequent chemotherapy
That should supress the rest of the cancer.

Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Clutching her husband's hand.


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Last edited by Anhelda; April 4th, 2007 at 3:09 am.
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  #50  
Old April 11th, 2007, 2:33 am
Cadia's Avatar
Cadia  Female.gif Cadia is offline
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Joined: 5030 days
Location: On the Hill
Posts: 1,024
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
Routine Surgery
Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Holding her husband's hand.

Dr. E. stood at the foot of the bed,
Surrounded by attentive residents and students,
Confidently describing the routine procedure
That would remove the bulk of the tumor from Mrs. R.'s ovary
And the subsequent chemotherapy
That should supress the rest of the cancer.

Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Clutching her husband's hand.
this is so sad! The way you repeat the beggining is really good, and I like how at the end she's "clutching" her husband's hand, but earlier she was only "holding" it. It makes me think that maybe you're saying that the doctors don't really care too much-this is just a routine procedure for them, but for the patients, it is life-changing. Very powerful. I can't say "I like it" but I can say that it makes me sad, which is the point, I think.


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Read it, comment, and get feedback on your own! THE POETRY WRITING THREAD v2
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  #51  
Old April 11th, 2007, 3:47 am
DefyingGravity2  Female.gif DefyingGravity2 is offline
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Location: Band room
Posts: 122
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Hi, everyone! I'm new to this thread! I have a poem to share - it's nothing special. I've written more complex things but I needed a break and went for something simpler. I used to write poems a lot and now I'm just getting back into it. I'm more of a prose person. By the way, Cadia, I really like of your poetry I was reading as I was skimming through the pages.


The Hardest Battle

Her veins are rivers of temptation
Her fingers pulsate in elation
Her eyes sing in a sugary desire
To find truth before hope can tire
She hears music in her dreams
She wavers and teams
To the rhythm of a beautiful song
Yet she can’t figure out what’s wrong
She wishes the world would stop turning
So she could stop burning, yearning
Her eyes lock with another’s and she wants to cry
Overwhelmed by the power of a human eye
She’s fighting a battle which torments her brain
She carries a burden as she dances in the rain
She drinks in the warmth of a brilliant notion
That there’s a reason for life and emotion
And that despite all her struggles and heartaches
Despite all the courage it takes
She will live until she dies
She will laugh until she cries
And as she tautly wipes away her tears
She will master all her fears
Burden turns to blessing and she raises her heart high
Singing to the world and shouting to the sky.


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"Had we but world enough, and time..." -Andrew Marvell
“Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.” -Victor Hugo

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Marianne Williamson

"Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star..." - e. e. cummings
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  #52  
Old April 11th, 2007, 3:58 am
xhanax315's Avatar
xhanax315  Undisclosed.gif xhanax315 is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by DefyingGravity2 View Post
Hi, everyone! I'm new to this thread! I have a poem to share - it's nothing special. I've written more complex things but I needed a break and went for something simpler. I used to write poems a lot and now I'm just getting back into it. I'm more of a prose person. By the way, Cadia, I really like of your poetry I was reading as I was skimming through the pages.


The Hardest Battle

Her veins are rivers of temptation
Her fingers pulsate in elation
Her eyes sing in a sugary desire
To find truth before hope can tire
She hears music in her dreams
She wavers and teams
To the rhythm of a beautiful song
Yet she can’t figure out what’s wrong
She wishes the world would stop turning
So she could stop burning, yearning
Her eyes lock with another’s and she wants to cry
Overwhelmed by the power of a human eye
She’s fighting a battle which torments her brain
She carries a burden as she dances in the rain
She drinks in the warmth of a brilliant notion
That there’s a reason for life and emotion
And that despite all her struggles and heartaches
Despite all the courage it takes
She will live until she dies
She will laugh until she cries
And as she tautly wipes away her tears
She will master all her fears
Burden turns to blessing and she raises her heart high
Singing to the world and shouting to the sky.



I'm not the greatest when it comes to commenting on other people's work, but the poem is great. It's great because it starts with happiness, but then becomes depressing. The peom gives a sense of what the narrator is feeling. "She's fighting a battle which torments her brain," it gives insight of what she's feeling. We're able to feel the burden she's carrying.

Okay, I wrote this poem awhile back. It's a Shakespearean Sonnet, I wrote it my sophmore year. I was trying to ryme too, so give me some slack.....
Note: my poems are usually based on one person only, he's my inspiration.


My love is as wide as the blue ocean
His eyes are as beautiful as the sky
He happens to move in a nice motion
The love I feel for him is not a lie
This unforgettable boy is headstrong
My love for him has made him cause me pain
This pain that I feel has lasted so long
He has a gorgeous smile that I love
If only I could not be very coy
This boy is so white, he could be a dove
I love this boy because he is so sweet
I am so glade we were able to meet


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Last edited by xhanax315; April 11th, 2007 at 4:02 am.
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  #53  
Old April 11th, 2007, 4:13 am
Anhelda's Avatar
Anhelda  Female.gif Anhelda is offline
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 968
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cadia View Post
this is so sad! The way you repeat the beggining is really good, and I like how at the end she's "clutching" her husband's hand, but earlier she was only "holding" it. It makes me think that maybe you're saying that the doctors don't really care too much-this is just a routine procedure for them, but for the patients, it is life-changing. Very powerful. I can't say "I like it" but I can say that it makes me sad, which is the point, I think.
Thanks, Cadia, I think you got the point of the poem pretty well. The fact is, I was one of the medical students listening to "Dr. E" telling "Mrs. R" about her planned surgery and discussing all kinds of "shop talk" details about cancer. I distinctly remember that in the middle of this very scientific clinical discussion, I glanced over at "Mrs. R." and her husband and saw this look of abject terror on their faces as they clutched hands. It really hit home to me at that moment what a radically different perspective you have, depending on if you're laying in the hospital bed or standing beside it. It's just a completely different viewpoint, and neither side is wrong, really--the procedure really is routine to the docs, who may do it 10 times a week in some weeks; it's not that they don't care, really, it's just that they do this all the time, so it's no big deal for them. The patient, on the other hand, has this experience only once, and she'll be the one who has to take the risk of surgery and suffer the pain and any possible complications.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DefyingGravity2 View Post
The Hardest Battle

Her veins are rivers of temptation
Her fingers pulsate in elation
Her eyes sing in a sugary desire
To find truth before hope can tire
She hears music in her dreams
She wavers and teams
To the rhythm of a beautiful song
Yet she can’t figure out what’s wrong
She wishes the world would stop turning
So she could stop burning, yearning
Her eyes lock with another’s and she wants to cry
Overwhelmed by the power of a human eye
She’s fighting a battle which torments her brain
She carries a burden as she dances in the rain
She drinks in the warmth of a brilliant notion
That there’s a reason for life and emotion
And that despite all her struggles and heartaches
Despite all the courage it takes
She will live until she dies
She will laugh until she cries
And as she tautly wipes away her tears
She will master all her fears
Burden turns to blessing and she raises her heart high
Singing to the world and shouting to the sky.
There's a nice use of imagery in this poem and some pretty nice rhyming, but I don't know that I get the meaning. It's never made clear just what she's struggling with, and she goes from conflict to resolution without mention of why the circumstances change (and the fact that this happens makes the conflict too easy to solve, making the struggle less meaningful. If she got over it that quickly, then it probably wasn't that big a deal in the first place). Over-abstraction makes the poem weaker, because it's not really about anything and dangerously close to becoming a series of cliches. You could improve the piece by making it more concrete--state a specific conflict she's having, a single thing she's struggling with, and don't think you have to have her solve it in the end. A solution is okay, but if you describe great soul-searching struggles and then turn it around to a happy ending in 5 lines or less, it makes for melodrama instead of truly dramatic poetry. An unresolved issue, on the other hand, gives the poem dramatic tension, which may be more powerful in the end.

Also, punctuation--the poem needs some commas and periods to indicate proper line breaks. Punctuation is very important in poetry unless you're deliberately trying to be obscure and abstract, a la e.e. cummings or William Carlos Williams (and even they used punctuation carefully).

And a quick little silly poem to end with:
My Muse Took the Night Off
I tried to come up with a poem,
But nothing came into my head;
So I'll just type out some words
In meter, and go to bed.


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Last edited by Anhelda; April 11th, 2007 at 5:09 am.
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  #54  
Old April 12th, 2007, 12:43 am
DefyingGravity2  Female.gif DefyingGravity2 is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post

There's a nice use of imagery in this poem and some pretty nice rhyming, but I don't know that I get the meaning. It's never made clear just what she's struggling with, and she goes from conflict to resolution without mention of why the circumstances change (and the fact that this happens makes the conflict too easy to solve, making the struggle less meaningful. If she got over it that quickly, then it probably wasn't that big a deal in the first place). Over-abstraction makes the poem weaker, because it's not really about anything and dangerously close to becoming a series of cliches. You could improve the piece by making it more concrete--state a specific conflict she's having, a single thing she's struggling with, and don't think you have to have her solve it in the end. A solution is okay, but if you describe great soul-searching struggles and then turn it around to a happy ending in 5 lines or less, it makes for melodrama instead of truly dramatic poetry. An unresolved issue, on the other hand, gives the poem dramatic tension, which may be more powerful in the end.

Also, punctuation--the poem needs some commas and periods to indicate proper line breaks. Punctuation is very important in poetry unless you're deliberately trying to be obscure and abstract, a la e.e. cummings or William Carlos Williams (and even they used punctuation carefully).

And a quick little silly poem to end with:
My Muse Took the Night Off
I tried to come up with a poem,
But nothing came into my head;
So I'll just type out some words
In meter, and go to bed.
Well, see the thing is, I didn't really want the reader to know what it's about...it's just supposed to be a vague struggle. And she didn't really solve the problem, she just faced it. I do believe in not everything needing a happy ending, but this I thought needed one. But actually, I don't even think it's a true "happy" ending because it's kind of just a beginning....giving her hope. I'm not sure I see how it's dangerously close to becoming a series of cliches, either. I'll think about the punctuation - I kind of wanted it to seem hurried though. Believe me, I appreciate your criticism - I just wanted to let you know what I thought.

By, the way, your little poem is adorable!


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  #55  
Old April 13th, 2007, 12:11 am
sanphi  Female.gif sanphi is offline
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Posts: 34
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
Here's one of mine, in a first draft stage--feel free to offer critique or correction:
Routine Surgery
Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Holding her husband's hand.

Dr. E. stood at the foot of the bed,
Surrounded by attentive residents and students,
Confidently describing the routine procedure
That would remove the bulk of the tumor from Mrs. R.'s ovary
And the subsequent chemotherapy
That should supress the rest of the cancer.

Mrs. R. lay in the hospital bed
Clutching her husband's hand.
Hi everyone! That's the first time, I'm posting here. I really like this one, Anhelda. A few well chosen words to express a lot of feelings! As we say in France, it's simple and flawless. (I hope it's the right translation!)

I have a poem to share. Please, be lenient because my English isn't really good. But I keep trying to improve it! It would be nice to have comments about syntax etc.



Nothing in the air
Except maybe despair
I feel now the snare
But I raise the hare

Nothing can prepare
To turn dark into flare
I was right off aware
Too cheerful to beware

As damsel finds her knight
Flowers bloom as I write
As the stars light the night
My pen soars as a bird flight

As a lady in satin white
Spark inside me is bright
Feelings sound lily-white
A crystal note of delight

But it was yesterday
Now time turns grey
Flowers wither away
As my muse ran away

But passion doesn’t fray
Till I really can portray
This secretive Rosebay
That swaps rose for ash gray


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  #56  
Old April 16th, 2007, 6:58 pm
Cadia's Avatar
Cadia  Female.gif Cadia is offline
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Joined: 5030 days
Location: On the Hill
Posts: 1,024
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by sanphi View Post
Nothing in the air
Except maybe despair
I feel now the snare
But I raise the hare

Nothing can prepare
To turn dark into flare
I was right off aware
Too cheerful to beware

As damsel finds her knight
Flowers bloom as I write
As the stars light the night
My pen soars as a bird flight

As a lady in satin white
Spark inside me is bright
Feelings sound lily-white
A crystal note of delight

But it was yesterday
Now time turns grey
Flowers wither away
As my muse ran away

But passion doesn’t fray
Till I really can portray
This secretive Rosebay
That swaps rose for ash gray

Wow, this is very pretty, kind of wistful and sad, but very beautiful nonetheless. And it's AMAZING for someone who's first language is not English!! Congratulations! You have a great command of the language. The third and fourth stanzas are my favorites. The imagery is so picuresque, like something out of a fairy story. Your use of syntax is pretty good, too. There are only a couple things which had me wondering: the last line of the first stanza: "But I raise the hare" -I'm not really sure what you mean by this. Did you mean "hare" as in the rabbit, or "hair"? Then there's "As a lady in satin white/Spark inside me is bright." to be proper this would have to be "a spark" or "the spark." but I guess you have poetic license to leave it as it is. I could understand what you meant.

In all, very good work!


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  #57  
Old April 25th, 2007, 2:50 pm
Browneyes85  Female.gif Browneyes85 is offline
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Posts: 749
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by DefyingGravity2 View Post
Hi, everyone! I'm new to this thread! I have a poem to share - it's nothing special. I've written more complex things but I needed a break and went for something simpler. I used to write poems a lot and now I'm just getting back into it. I'm more of a prose person. By the way, Cadia, I really like of your poetry I was reading as I was skimming through the pages.


The Hardest Battle

Her veins are rivers of temptation
Her fingers pulsate in elation
Her eyes sing in a sugary desire
To find truth before hope can tire
She hears music in her dreams
She wavers and teams
To the rhythm of a beautiful song
Yet she can’t figure out what’s wrong
She wishes the world would stop turning
So she could stop burning, yearning
Her eyes lock with another’s and she wants to cry
Overwhelmed by the power of a human eye
She’s fighting a battle which torments her brain
She carries a burden as she dances in the rain
She drinks in the warmth of a brilliant notion
That there’s a reason for life and emotion
And that despite all her struggles and heartaches
Despite all the courage it takes
She will live until she dies
She will laugh until she cries
And as she tautly wipes away her tears
She will master all her fears
Burden turns to blessing and she raises her heart high
Singing to the world and shouting to the sky.
wow... just wow ain't been on here a while but i really liked this. it reminds of when your feeling pretty low and you don't know why, you can't talk to no one so you keep it all inside. so you tell your self everything will be alright, and you start to look at everything in a much more positive light. very good....


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  #58  
Old April 27th, 2007, 12:32 am
Erich  Undisclosed.gif Erich is offline
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Age: 37
Posts: 242
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Im having a weird week. So im doing something different. here's my lastest poem, but in MP3 form, with me reciting it. its pg-13 for one word.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/nljhu2


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  #59  
Old April 28th, 2007, 2:07 am
Anhelda's Avatar
Anhelda  Female.gif Anhelda is offline
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Posts: 968
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

No critique on another poem this time, sorry. Here's one inspired by reading this week's Newsweek's profiles of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. Still a pretty rough draft, but I felt like posting it anyway.

Last Rights
The right to know that when you die,
You lived the life you chose.
The right to make your last goodbye
A poem instead of prose.
The right to be sure in your heart
That on your final day
The world is richer for the part
You lived your life to play.
The right to mourn unrealized dreams,
Yet celebrate the wins.
The right to peace, with all peace means,
And pardon for all sins.
The right to hope that those you leave
Behind can find a way
To laugh again, not just to grieve,
And find joy in a day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sanphi View Post
Hi everyone! That's the first time, I'm posting here. I really like this one, Anhelda. A few well chosen words to express a lot of feelings! As we say in France, it's simple and flawless. (I hope it's the right translation!)
Merci beaucoup, sanphi! Your poem is really nice, and the fact that English isn't your first language makes it amazing. I am always in awe of people who can write, not just prose, but poetry in a non-native language.


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"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."--Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society
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Last edited by Anhelda; April 28th, 2007 at 2:16 am.
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  #60  
Old April 28th, 2007, 4:21 am
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xhanax315  Undisclosed.gif xhanax315 is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
No critique on another poem this time, sorry. Here's one inspired by reading this week's Newsweek's profiles of the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. Still a pretty rough draft, but I felt like posting it anyway.

Last Rights
The right to know that when you die,
You lived the life you chose.
The right to make your last goodbye
A poem instead of prose.
The right to be sure in your heart
That on your final day
The world is richer for the part
You lived your life to play.
The right to mourn unrealized dreams,
Yet celebrate the wins.
The right to peace, with all peace means,
And pardon for all sins.
The right to hope that those you leave
Behind can find a way
To laugh again, not just to grieve,
And find joy in a day.

This was a tragedy and it was nice how you made a poem about it, inspirations are a great help in writing, even though it can come from something tragic like this.


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