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The Poetry Writing Thread v2



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  #21  
Old February 19th, 2007, 2:48 pm
Cadia's Avatar
Cadia  Female.gif Cadia is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by beatles_gal View Post
i liked this poem, esp. the imagery, it was very evocative. it reminded me of a dusky, pink sunset--beautiful, but bittersweet. i especially like the image of life as an "insane poltergeist," and the part at the end about a narrow heart missing an important moment--very true, and eloquently said!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eliya View Post
Wonderful!!! As if i'm back reading 'Dandelion Wine' by Ray Bradbury I agree with beatles_gal about it being 'bittersweet'. The words
I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly
remind me the moment when I look at the sunset!
and this part =>
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away
is simply beautiful! Very true!
Thank you both very much for the compliments. It means a lot to me! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfonzo View Post
It crashed like an unending tempest.
Infinite.
Blinding all sense. A momentary burst
through which you stumble, amid the fragments of silence stolen
in the lull and the fallout.



You saw him fall
with a noise that made the world tear itself in two
and it did.



And now a tightness in your stomach
Like it痴 all about to end
But it won稚.
Not yet.



It痴 left you gasping for air
Like a drowning man
Soaked to the skin
In a sea of sheets and suffocation.



Soon you値l awake and find
the warmth and the cat
And the familiar
All underneath you
Breaking your fall.
Alfonzo, this is so well done, it's such a joy to read because one can tell how much care you've taken with it. At least it seems that you did, and yet it also seems very effortless, as if those words were always meant to come together in that way. Does that make sense at all? You say it is part of a story-well, that's easy to tell-it's very narrative, and that too is well done, because the surprise is unspoiled. The "dream" part is so real, so immediate, very vivid.

I especially like: 1)the first two lines, the reenforcement of the first idea by the single word of the second line, 2)the placing of the line break between "stolen" and "in the lull..." 3) the image of the world "tearing itself in two", and 4)the alliteration in the 4th stanza 5) the last line. Perfect! I've always thought the last line of a poem to be pretty important.

But I'm having a little trouble finding a concrete meaning for the lines: "amid the fragments of silence stolen in the lull and the fallout." They sound amazing, with the alliteration and the consonance of the "ll," and they create a strong image-but I'm just not sure what the image is referring to.

In all, a great poem-I really enjoyed it!

Here's something I scribbled down last night:

Prayer

A humble head bowed in sunshine
magnificance
a strong slender back with legs folded
below
around, unseen, a dreamworld; 100 miles away
100 years distant
a flower-speckled field or
a sheltered room;
something.

Thoughts are nothing
evaporated in the sun,
dazzling, falls on the dark head
dark hair, shining and rippling like flowing water,
brilliance-touched.
warmth seeps in like a loving hand
on the back of the neck.

What is this wish
what is this prayer
it matters not; how could one wish for more
than this moment, this
now
?


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  #22  
Old February 19th, 2007, 4:34 pm
pumpkinheadRon  Male.gif pumpkinheadRon is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

That was amazing!! I especially like this part of the second stanza:
Quote:
Thoughts are nothing
evaporated in the sun,
dazzling, falls on the dark head
dark hair, shining and rippling like flowing water,
I can really see the hair you describe here. It's beautiful! The poem really felt like a prayer and the whole thing overall made me feel really peaceful, especially the last stanza:
Quote:
What is this wish
what is this prayer
it matters not; how could one wish for more
than this moment, this
now
?
The way you arranged the words in your poem is very effective! Excellent job!

Here's a poem I did (I don't know if it's any good or not) Tips and advice is welcome!

My Music

My music took care of me
when I was ill
And promised to watch over me
and it did, until
My music grew older; it needed more rest
until one night--
the
music
slowed--
her candle flickered
Then the music faltered
her light went out
her promise shattered
Her melody died.


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Last edited by pumpkinheadRon; February 19th, 2007 at 4:41 pm.
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  #23  
Old February 19th, 2007, 9:05 pm
Padfoot_Returns  Female.gif Padfoot_Returns is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by ali_singer View Post
Wow, Padfoot_Returns, this is really sweet. There's just one line that sticks out to me as off and that is "That's always true." Maybe changing it to "That will always be true" will make it flow better, but you are the author and I'm not. This poem made me think of my best friends and how even though I sometimes don't feel like it they'll always be there for me. The line "You've been there to push me down the right path" was exceptionally powerful to me, anyway. Really nice, Padfoot_Returns!

Thanks. You're right, it does flow better when its "That will always be true". Thanks for the comment!


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  #24  
Old February 20th, 2007, 11:24 pm
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkinheadRon View Post
Here's a poem I did (I don't know if it's any good or not) Tips and advice is welcome!

My Music

My music took care of me
when I was ill
And promised to watch over me
and it did, until
My music grew older; it needed more rest
until one night--
the
music
slowed--
her candle flickered
Then the music faltered
her light went out
her promise shattered
Her melody died.
This poem is effective, moving, and very bittersweet. The form is nice, the subject handled deftly without being over-abstracted, over-sentimentalized, or melodramatic. My only suggestion is this: if you're going to use "music" for a metaphor, then you may want to find more musically related phrases to describe what's happening instead of nonmusical imaging like the "candle" and the "light." bits. It may help to unify the theme a bit more and avoid mixing metaphors. But overall, a beautiful expressive piece.

Here's one from my college days:

Moonrise

Somewhere in the middle
Of an eight hour flight,
When the movie had just ended
(Or maybe hadn't started; I can't remember which),
I stared out the window
At the dark Atlantic night
At the clouds that lay below me
Like a field of cotton balls.
As I watched, a pale blue circle
Slowly rose from the horizon,
Floating up and coming level
With the window of the plane,
Lighting all the clouds below us
With a ghostly shade of blue.
Then the plane, still flying eastward,
Left the phantom moon behind
In the sky that I'll call midnight
(Though I know I can't be certain of the time zone I was in).


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  #25  
Old February 21st, 2007, 12:04 am
aprilpotter  Female.gif aprilpotter is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Here's a little poem of mine. Actually it's pretty long, but I would really love it and if you think anything should be changed, please send me an OWL! I have to submit this for Writing Class, so any changes to make it an A+ are welcomed!

Illusions of a Good Life

Tonight
She’ll take the stage
In full, stunning costume.
She’ll play her character with ease.
Red rose in her hair, she’ll bow.
An enthused audience will clap
The red curtains will fall.
Backstage, she’ll dance with the happiness
Of another brilliant performance.
She’ll twirl in her beautiful gown
And walk gracefully in her shoes.
She’ll smile and congratulate the others
Everyone is a star tonight.
The critics will whisper amongst themselves
What a brilliant lead! Who is she?
They’ll write about her in magazines
They’ll nickname her The Radiant Maiden.
She’ll receive fan mail and love letters
from hopefuls of another world.
She’ll answer with kindness and glee
Each letter more personal than the last.

Tonight
After the curtains fall
She’ll head back to a dimly lit house.
She’ll enter and walk straight to her room
She’ll stare down at her shoes.
Wiping the makeup from her face,
She’ll bid good evening to an empty house.
She notes the time: 9:30
Her husband won’t be home for an hour
She still has time to live in the spotlight
She’ll dance in front of her mirror,
Twirl with ease and grace
At 10:30, she’ll arrive in Reality.
She’ll change into simple attire
Head downstairs, and prepare his dinner.
She’ll ask him about his day
And play the perfect wife
All the while knowing,
That this simple, repetitive cycle
is nothing more than an illusion,
Attempting to darken the spotlight.

~ April Fischer


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  #26  
Old February 22nd, 2007, 2:17 pm
Browneyes85  Female.gif Browneyes85 is offline
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Posts: 749
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

ok everyone haven't got time to post comment on everyone who's posted on the v2 of this thread but it's nice to see old faces and Cadia's writing again, haven't seen you posting poetry on here for a while. nice to see you haven't lost your touch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aprilpotter View Post
Here's a little poem of mine. Actually it's pretty long, but I would really love it and if you think anything should be changed, please send me an OWL! I have to submit this for Writing Class, so any changes to make it an A+ are welcomed!

Illusions of a Good Life

Tonight
She値l take the stage
In full, stunning costume.
She値l play her character with ease.
Red rose in her hair, she値l bow.
An enthused audience will clap
The red curtains will fall.
Backstage, she値l dance with the happiness
Of another brilliant performance.
She値l twirl in her beautiful gown
And walk gracefully in her shoes.
She値l smile and congratulate the others
Everyone is a star tonight.
The critics will whisper amongst themselves
What a brilliant lead! Who is she?
They値l write about her in magazines
They値l nickname her The Radiant Maiden.
She値l receive fan mail and love letters
from hopefuls of another world.
She値l answer with kindness and glee
Each letter more personal than the last.

Tonight
After the curtains fall
She値l head back to a dimly lit house.
She値l enter and walk straight to her room
She値l stare down at her shoes.
Wiping the makeup from her face,
She値l bid good evening to an empty house.
She notes the time: 9:30
Her husband won稚 be home for an hour
She still has time to live in the spotlight
She値l dance in front of her mirror,
Twirl with ease and grace
At 10:30, she値l arrive in Reality.
She値l change into simple attire
Head downstairs, and prepare his dinner.
She値l ask him about his day
And play the perfect wife
All the while knowing,
That this simple, repetitive cycle
is nothing more than an illusion,
Attempting to darken the spotlight.

~ April Fischer
i really like this. the ending is so chilling i just love it. your story eases into your brain as you read. i saw the girl i was the girl...

you have captured in this poem the two sides of a women, the desire to be noticed the love of beauty, the longing to be glided around the floor, the passionate female and how she becomes the homemaker, the family girl the mother...

in short i really liked it.

ok here's my stab at something new... think needs a bit more but i'm liking what i've got at the mo.

Standing as a statue
Looking out at the rain
The sun shines,
As the clouds weep their pain!

My mind is a blank.
All I feel is the grief in my heart,
As my tears reflect -
The water splattering the glass

Why?
Why here, why now?
And thou I try
I just can稚 figure it out

As I stand here
Thinking about my past;
I can稚 help but wonder -
Why couldn稚 it last?

let me know what you think...


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  #27  
Old February 22nd, 2007, 6:02 pm
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Alfonzo  Male.gif Alfonzo is offline
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Location: The supermarket of destiny
Age: 31
Posts: 1,498
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by aprilpotter View Post
Here's a little poem of mine. Actually it's pretty long, but I would really love it and if you think anything should be changed, please send me an OWL! I have to submit this for Writing Class, so any changes to make it an A+ are welcomed!

Illusions of a Good Life

Tonight
She値l take the stage
In full, stunning costume.
She値l play her character with ease.
Red rose in her hair, she値l bow.
An enthused audience will clap
The red curtains will fall.
Backstage, she値l dance with the happiness
Of another brilliant performance.
She値l twirl in her beautiful gown
And walk gracefully in her shoes.
She値l smile and congratulate the others
Everyone is a star tonight.
The critics will whisper amongst themselves
What a brilliant lead! Who is she?
They値l write about her in magazines
They値l nickname her The Radiant Maiden.
She値l receive fan mail and love letters
from hopefuls of another world.
She値l answer with kindness and glee
Each letter more personal than the last.

Tonight
After the curtains fall
She値l head back to a dimly lit house.
She値l enter and walk straight to her room
She値l stare down at her shoes.
Wiping the makeup from her face,
She値l bid good evening to an empty house.
She notes the time: 9:30
Her husband won稚 be home for an hour
She still has time to live in the spotlight
She値l dance in front of her mirror,
Twirl with ease and grace
At 10:30, she値l arrive in Reality.
She値l change into simple attire
Head downstairs, and prepare his dinner.
She値l ask him about his day
And play the perfect wife
All the while knowing,
That this simple, repetitive cycle
is nothing more than an illusion,
Attempting to darken the spotlight.

~ April Fischer
Please make sure you post feedback on someone else's poem before posting your own; the first post of the thread contains the rules - have a read of them.


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  #28  
Old February 23rd, 2007, 12:19 am
Agraphia  Male.gif Agraphia is offline
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Posts: 171
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

I've been wanting to get involved in this thread forever but I can't bring myself to write a review, as per the rules.

My Myspace blog is mostly poetry if anyone is interested. Link's in the sig.


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  #29  
Old February 23rd, 2007, 12:43 am
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Alfonzo  Male.gif Alfonzo is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Agraphia View Post
I've been wanting to get involved in this thread forever but I can't bring myself to write a review, as per the rules.

My Myspace blog is mostly poetry if anyone is interested. Link's in the sig.
It doesn't have to be a review, just so long as it isn't a "that was nice". Take a look at what others have said in response to poems.


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  #30  
Old February 24th, 2007, 6:52 pm
beatles_gal  Female.gif beatles_gal is offline
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Posts: 36
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
Here's one from my college days:

Moonrise

Somewhere in the middle
Of an eight hour flight,
When the movie had just ended
(Or maybe hadn't started; I can't remember which),
I stared out the window
At the dark Atlantic night
At the clouds that lay below me
Like a field of cotton balls.
As I watched, a pale blue circle
Slowly rose from the horizon,
Floating up and coming level
With the window of the plane,
Lighting all the clouds below us
With a ghostly shade of blue.
Then the plane, still flying eastward,
Left the phantom moon behind
In the sky that I'll call midnight
(Though I know I can't be certain of the time zone I was in).
a beautiful, ghostly poem. it has a kind of fragile ethereal-ness to it. i like the images of the moon as a "phantom" and a "pale blue circle".

i don't really write poetry that much, but i've been studying some in english, and this thread inspired me, so here goes. any and all comments are appreciated!
"Live"

Laugh.
When the sky bubbles over
With joy, winks, and myrrh
And pearls and fantasy.

Breathe.
The moment is fleeting
And soon will be meeting
The far corner of memory.

Dream.
Of woods, mountains, and plains
Sweet words tasting like rain
Of finding how you can be.

See.
The glass diamonds arrayed
In a beauty arcade
Please take one--you see, they're free.

Mull.
The dank corners of night
The shackling limits of sight
What is really is to be free.

Cry.
The stars are coral glass
But they rust now. Alas--
The iron disfigures the sea.

Run.
The demons are cackling
They dance in a ring
Fire ravages the tree.

Heal.
My eyes burn and crack
What do they lack?
Maybe it's you and it's me.

The beauty
of you
and me.


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  #31  
Old February 24th, 2007, 7:17 pm
Malakian  Female.gif Malakian is offline
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Age: 27
Posts: 33
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

oh wow thats amazing if only i could write like that!

heres mine- please feel free to write what you think!

together forever,
never ment a thing.
i feel so used,
i feel betrayed,
was there realy no other way?
i never thought you'd do this to me,
yet here i am,
alone and ashamed,
of every move,
that i never made.

Not exactly good but eh.


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  #32  
Old February 26th, 2007, 10:19 am
Browneyes85  Female.gif Browneyes85 is offline
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Age: 33
Posts: 749
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by beatles_gal View Post
a beautiful, ghostly poem. it has a kind of fragile ethereal-ness to it. i like the images of the moon as a "phantom" and a "pale blue circle".

i don't really write poetry that much, but i've been studying some in english, and this thread inspired me, so here goes. any and all comments are appreciated!
"Live"

Laugh.
When the sky bubbles over
With joy, winks, and myrrh
And pearls and fantasy.

Breathe.
The moment is fleeting
And soon will be meeting
The far corner of memory.

Dream.
Of woods, mountains, and plains
Sweet words tasting like rain
Of finding how you can be.

See.
The glass diamonds arrayed
In a beauty arcade
Please take one--you see, they're free.

Mull.
The dank corners of night
The shackling limits of sight
What is really is to be free.

Cry.
The stars are coral glass
But they rust now. Alas--
The iron disfigures the sea.

Run.
The demons are cackling
They dance in a ring
Fire ravages the tree.

Heal.
My eyes burn and crack
What do they lack?
Maybe it's you and it's me.

The beauty
of you
and me.
i love this it's two poems in one. just love it...


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  #33  
Old February 26th, 2007, 10:46 pm
beatles_gal  Female.gif beatles_gal is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Browneyes85 View Post
i love this it's two poems in one. just love it...
Quote:
oh wow thats amazing if only i could write like that!
thanks!


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  #34  
Old February 27th, 2007, 6:19 am
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Anhelda  Female.gif Anhelda is offline
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 962
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by beatles_gal View Post
a beautiful, ghostly poem. it has a kind of fragile ethereal-ness to it. i like the images of the moon as a "phantom" and a "pale blue circle".

i don't really write poetry that much, but i've been studying some in english, and this thread inspired me, so here goes. any and all comments are appreciated!
"Live"

Laugh.
When the sky bubbles over
With joy, winks, and myrrh
And pearls and fantasy.

Breathe.
The moment is fleeting
And soon will be meeting
The far corner of memory.

Dream.
Of woods, mountains, and plains
Sweet words tasting like rain
Of finding how you can be.

See.
The glass diamonds arrayed
In a beauty arcade
Please take one--you see, they're free.

Mull.
The dank corners of night
The shackling limits of sight
What is really is to be free.

Cry.
The stars are coral glass
But they rust now. Alas--
The iron disfigures the sea.

Run.
The demons are cackling
They dance in a ring
Fire ravages the tree.

Heal.
My eyes burn and crack
What do they lack?
Maybe it's you and it's me.

The beauty
of you
and me.
First of all, thanks for your kind comments on my poem! As for your piece, you've got some nice imagery and I like the use of form and rhyme. You set up some interesting contrasts and dichotomies in the poem--it starts out all sweetness and light, then ends with some darker stuff, which I'm taking to be an analogy of the many moods of the relationship between "you and me" that seems to be the subject of the poem. Overall, an effective, well-crafted piece.

Here's a haiku series to ponder, if you like, all about winter:

Snow glazes the world,
Covering the lilac bush,
Glist'ning in the sun.
******************************
Crystal clear blue sky
Over white bedecked hillsides
And tall evergreens.
******************************
My nephew laughs and
Flies downhill on his small sled,
Enjoying the snow.
******************************
Like a dancing flame,
A red cardinal flitters
Through a white-hued world.


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"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."--Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society
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Last edited by Anhelda; February 28th, 2007 at 2:12 am. Reason: corrected punctuation (thanks, Erich!)
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  #35  
Old February 28th, 2007, 1:31 am
Erich  Undisclosed.gif Erich is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
******************************
My nephew laughs and
Flies downhill on his small sled.
Enjoying the snow.
******************************
I like this better than the others. I dont know why you chose to put a period after 'sled' instead of a comma, though. any particular reason?

Your Hands

You have your coffee light
And a little too sweet
After each cup
You say, "your hands are soft"

I work now.
Your coffee is black.


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  #36  
Old February 28th, 2007, 2:12 am
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Alfonzo  Male.gif Alfonzo is offline
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Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Erich View Post
I like this better than the others. I dont know why you chose to put a period after 'sled' instead of a comma, though. any particular reason?

Your Hands

You have your coffee light
And a little too sweet
After each cup
You say, "your hands are soft"

I work now.
Your coffee is black.
I love your work. The meter of this is superb, it flows well. The images it evokes are enchanting, and the meaning of the whole thing is, as usual, elusive to me . Fantastic.


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  #37  
Old February 28th, 2007, 2:30 am
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Anhelda  Female.gif Anhelda is offline
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Posts: 962
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Erich View Post
I like this better than the others. I dont know why you chose to put a period after 'sled' instead of a comma, though. any particular reason?
Yikes, the period was a typing error! Thanks for the heads-up on that, I've edited the post to correct it.

Quote:
Your Hands

You have your coffee light
And a little too sweet
After each cup
You say, "your hands are soft"

I work now.
Your coffee is black.
This is a great poem! Deft, ironic (which is very much to my taste!), and witty. Nothing extraneous, but fully expressive. A very satisfying read.

Here's a clerihew for you, appropriate for an HP forum :

J K Rowling,
Although the bells are tolling
In memory of Dumbledore,
I'll still read your stories more.


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  #38  
Old February 28th, 2007, 3:06 am
Malakian  Female.gif Malakian is offline
First Year
 
Joined: 4443 days
Age: 27
Posts: 33
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malakian View Post
oh wow thats amazing if only i could write like that!

heres mine- please feel free to write what you think!

together forever,
never ment a thing.
i feel so used,
i feel betrayed,
was there realy no other way?
i never thought you'd do this to me,
yet here i am,
alone and ashamed,
of every move,
that i never made.

Not exactly good but eh.

you guys make mine look pitiful


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  #39  
Old February 28th, 2007, 4:19 am
Erich  Undisclosed.gif Erich is offline
Second Year
 
Joined: 5612 days
Age: 36
Posts: 242
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
J K Rowling,
Although the bells are tolling
In memory of Dumbledore,
I'll still read your stories more.
cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anhelda View Post
This is a great poem! Deft, ironic (which is very much to my taste!), and witty. Nothing extraneous, but fully expressive. A very satisfying read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alfonzo View Post
I love your work. The meter of this is superb, it flows well. The images it evokes are enchanting, and the meaning of the whole thing is, as usual, elusive to me . Fantastic.
thank you both kindly.

I was always told i had really soft hands. That is, until I became a janitor at a high school. I thought about someone being reminded of my hands every time they poured milk into their coffee. I work now, and so that changed.

Speaking of my job.

Things I Find At Work

Roaches, spiders, earthworms, beetles
Bags of pot, 2 used needles
Condoms (used), a pair of shoes
Condoms (new), another shoe
Dead mice, dead rats, dead squirrels, dead birds
Old hats, a dollar (ripped in thirds)
Pornography, both gay and straight
Cigarette butts by every gate
DVDs, tapes, cds, books
That woman giving dirty looks
Squirrel nests, one live cat
A stolen car, a baseball bat
Broken glass, "do you have a light?"
"Do you have the time?", "Do you wanna fight?"
Dog sh*t, bird sh*t, mouse sh*t, rat sh*t
Human sh*t, squirrel sh*t, horse sh*t, cat sh*t
Chicken bones, pigeon bones, corn on the cob
What can I say... I love my job



(PS - yes, this is all true.)


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  #40  
Old March 9th, 2007, 5:15 pm
ArthurWeasley  Male.gif ArthurWeasley is offline
First Year
 
Joined: 4654 days
Location: USA
Posts: 89
Re: The Poetry Writing Thread v2

so glad to see that we've been so active that it required a new thread to be opened up, the talent here is amazing and I see some new faces too.....welcome. I'll come back soon to post some long-winded comments about some of the latest post. And then I'll post some of the most inspiring, well thoughtout, colorful, poetic verse you ever seen or maybe I'll just post some of my own stuff.....lol (you know the usual drab, slapstick bag of tricks I use.....hehe) AW


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