The Poetry Writing Thread v2

[Alfonzo]

Howdy

Welcome to the second version of the Poetry Writing thread. Well done for almost 1500 posts packed full of cracking good poetry . Just to clarify, this thread is all about sharing and getting feedback for poems that you have written.

Rules:

• Post your poem(s), but you must give feedback about the previous poem (usually found directly above yours ).
• You don't have to post a poem if you don't want to - you can just comment if you want.
• When commenting, make good use of CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM - don't just say "I like it", and then go on to post your own poem.
• Write stuff that the poet can take away and think about: If you like the poem, try and articulate why you like it, what parts you like the best, and suggest what could be done to make it even better.
• If you don't like the poem, point out what you think could be done to change it. Think about sound, imagery, flow, word choice. PUT YOUR BACK INTO MAKING CONCRIT WORK. Word.

Please read this before posting any poetry as it is VERY HELPFUL. Don't just ignore it:

COMMON BEGINNERS' MISTAKES 1. Not pruning a poem. Extraneous comments at the beginning (before the poem really starts) at the end or in the middle. 2. Vague subjects. Poems about 'beauty', 'despair' etc rarely come off. 3. Stumbling rhythms and poor sound . Read your poems aloud, and listen to them. 4. Words or phrases from the wrong register - slang in a straight poem, complicated words in a simple poem, afterthoughts and additions not in the same language flow. 5. Hackneyed subjects; slight subjects. 6. Stating the obvious, especially in the interpretation of your observations. Let your descriptions speak for themselves. Many good similes and metaphors speak for themselves, too. 7. Prosiness, including lack of musicality or feeling. 8. Form * sonnet, villanelle, triolet, sestina etc * should seem to fit the poem like a dress must suit the wearer. 9. Predictable rhyme. Rhyme has many good uses. Don't misuse it. A useful trick is to put the more common word of a rhyming pair first. Also to treat rhyme as wit, and make sure it is witty. The Editor Sighs if: • your poem is unintelligible. • you are trying too hard - lots of substantial puffy poems that would be exhausting to read aloud. • all your poems are on the same subject - eg your last love affair, your house by the sea etc.

Also:

I posted an announcement a while back about setting some people's favourite poetry from here to graphics. Here are the links to two posts, one giving you some information on the idea, here, and one giving an example of what the graphic could look like, here.

I realise that most people may not be able to remember where their favourite poems are located, so I will take email submissions of your poetry, but I must ask that if you want to submit a piece of yours to me that you only submit one, and preferably one that you deem is your best.

IT WOULD BE NICE TO GET SOME PARTICIPATION GOING ON THIS

Fire away ^_^





Anyway.

Here's part of a short story I'm writing. I say short story, but this part actually takes the form of poetry.

It crashed like an unending tempest.
Infinite.
Blinding all sense. A momentary burst
through which you stumble, amid the fragments of silence stolen
in the lull and the fallout.

You saw him fall
with a noise that made the world tear itself in two
and it did.

And now a tightness in your stomach
Like it’s all about to end
But it won’t.
Not yet.

It’s left you gasping for air
Like a drowning man
Soaked to the skin
In a sea of sheets and suffocation.

Soon you’ll awake and find
the warmth and the cat
And the familiar
All underneath you
Breaking your fall.

[EmptySpiral]

That is so weird - the poem you wrote I mean - I was reading it and thinking that it basically describes the past twenty four hours of my life. You didn't write it about me I know, but it's just strange how it fits.

It’s left you gasping for air
Like a drowning man
Soaked to the skin
In a sea of sheets and suffocation.

I especially liked that stanza. I loved the imagery of the drowning man.

[owlchick9]

Version two? Righteous!!!!

[Overdose]

I have a suggestion for this thread in regards to commenting on previous poems. Perhaps we should include a rule that some constructive criticism be made on the previous poems. I'm not sure it's really beneficial to have a poem posted to be commented on simply by "yeah that was awesome. and now here's my poem".

[Alfonzo]

Originally Posted by Overdose

I have a suggestion for this thread in regards to commenting on previous poems. Perhaps we should include a rule that some constructive criticism be made on the previous poems. I'm not sure it's really beneficial to have a poem posted to be commented on simply by "yeah that was awesome. and now here's my poem".

It's up in the opening post .

[phoenix_flame]

Originally Posted by Alfonzo

It crashed like an unending tempest.
Infinite.
Blinding all sense. A momentary burst
through which you stumble, amid the fragments of silence stolen
in the lull and the fallout.

You saw him fall
with a noise that made the world tear itself in two
and it did.

And now a tightness in your stomach
Like it’s all about to end
But it won’t.
Not yet.

It’s left you gasping for air
Like a drowning man
Soaked to the skin
In a sea of sheets and suffocation.

Soon you’ll awake and find
the warmth and the cat
And the familiar
All underneath you
Breaking your fall.

This is amazing, I can't really explain it, but it just makes me shiver. I love the choice of words, and I love this line,

In a sea of sheets and suffocation.

The words just flow so nicely and sound very nice.

I have no poem to post at the moment, I'm working on a Narrative one for English, but it's not presentable yet.

Oh! And if I can ask, if anyone knows any Narrative poems about Goodbyes/Parting/Farewells, let me know, I need one for my collection.

[Anhelda]

Originally Posted by Alfonzo

It crashed like an unending tempest.
Infinite.
Blinding all sense. A momentary burst
through which you stumble, amid the fragments of silence stolen
in the lull and the fallout.

I'm not sure what this stanza has to do with the rest of the poem. I may be missing something, but I don't quite see the connection. Also, the "unending" and "infinite" references are contradicted by the "momentary burst"--is this what was intended?

You saw him fall
with a noise that made the world tear itself in two
and it did.

And now a tightness in your stomach
Like it’s all about to end
But it won’t.
Not yet.

It’s left you gasping for air
Like a drowning man
Soaked to the skin
In a sea of sheets and suffocation.

Soon you’ll awake and find
the warmth and the cat
And the familiar
All underneath you
Breaking your fall.

Nice use of imagery throughout the poem, and i especially like the cat reference! Having said that, the last stanza seems to take some of the "oomph" out of the poem--a sort of drawn out "suprise, it was all a dream!" that mitigates the impact of the rest of the work. If you mean to blunt it for the rest of the work you're including this in, then it works, but as a standalone piece, you may want to consider letting the poem end with a proverbial bang. The "sheets and suffocation" stanza is very effective as an ending, if you chose to go that route. Alternatively, you could consider condensing the last stanza to leave the idea of waking from a dream but with more of a kick. Overall, I think the poem is effective, and I enjoyed reading it.

Here's one of my own poems, just in time for Valentine's Day--feel free to shred as desired:

For Sweetest Day
He gave her
A dozen red roses,
Made of silk.

"This way they'll last forever," he said,
"Just like our love."

On Valentine's Day,
After he had gone,
She stared at the roses,
Dusty, In a vase.

"Of course they're not real," she said.

Originally Posted by phoenix_flame

Oh! And if I can ask, if anyone knows any Narrative poems about Goodbyes/Parting/Farewells, let me know, I need one for my collection.

How about Ulysses by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. If what I think you mean by a narrative poem is correct, I think this may be one you could use. It's a farewell poem of sorts--Ulysses saying farewell to his quiet life and returning to a life of wandering and adventure.

[ali_singer]

[quote=Anhelda;4347933]

For Sweetest Day
He gave her
A dozen red roses,
Made of silk.

"This way they'll last forever," he said,
"Just like our love."

On Valentine's Day,
After he had gone,
She stared at the roses,
Dusty, In a vase.

"Of course they're not real," she said.

This one made me laugh, it was cute, but with a melancholy twist. It kind of brought forth the... I'm not sure how to word this, but the truth, I guess, of Valentine's Day and how you have to buy your Valentine a gift to prove that you love them. I love the symbolism I get from the roses and how they stand for their love- that it's not alive. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it definitely came through. I really can't think of anything at all wrong with this poem, or anything to make it better because it is very good. The last line, which I love, seems to be off by itself, to me anyway. Then again, it's much better where it is than in the stanza before it. Honestly, it flows, it has great symbolism, has a nice feel to it, and I really do love it. Excellent piece of writing Anhelda! I don't think mine can even hold a candle to it.

I'm really not sure if I like this piece of writing or not. It's kind of different from what I normally do. The title's weird though, like all my titles (and actually has meaning this time).

Unveiled Decadence

One more time
Repeat after me
"I will never forget you."
As you laid under the crying tree.

Dictatorships never last long
In life or history.
Great leaders learn from great mistakes
Because they have great people to break. (This line needs help. Suggestions would be very helpful).

I never understood sunshine
Or why the moon woke me up at night
I only remember the awful dreams I've seen
Because they were all the same shade of aquamarine.

Blue is the color of the sky.
It's been called an emotion for years.
But it's only sky and sea.
It's the only half you see of me.

Blue is the color of my room at night
And the color of my room in the day.
It's nothing more than descriptive language
From the depths of the ocean's spray.

[Dollmage]

Originally Posted by ali_singer

Unveiled Decadence

One more time
Repeat after me
"I will never forget you."
As you laid under the crying tree.

Dictatorships never last long
In life or history.
Great leaders learn from great mistakes
Because they have great people to break. (This line needs help. Suggestions would be very helpful).

I never understood sunshine
Or why the moon woke me up at night
I only remember the awful dreams I've seen
Because they were all the same shade of aquamarine.

Blue is the color of the sky.
It's been called an emotion for years.
But it's only sky and sea.
It's the only half you see of me.

Blue is the color of my room at night
And the color of my room in the day.
It's nothing more than descriptive language
From the depths of the ocean's spray.

Um-maybe its just me but I don't see the connection between the first two stanzas and the last three. Unless I am missing something, I think they would work better in two seperate poems.

The first two stanzas seem like a story is going to be told, about a dictator or the life under one, including heartache or pain, judging from the images I get and I think it could be really wonderful. It starts out more like a structured chant. "One more time//Repeat after me" Really, a great beginning.

The last three stanzas seem more like a flowy poem with less intense subject manner. Its more a play on the word blue and its different meanings and versions of its colors from emotional blue to aquamarine. I think it would work well if you took this as a seperate poem and expanded on it in that way.



I haven't written poetry in months but I needed to write this one so I could feel better.

Senior
Next year, I won’t be here
From the top to the bottom
It’s where life goes
Each step closer to the end
Closer to the new beginning
I can walk through these halls
Like a walk through the streets
In a downtown rush
The indifference
The impatience
The “who are you and why’d you stop?”
Young lies are old ones
Reborn, remodeled, repeated
I remember my days there
Less evolution before development
The last generation right on track
With respect
With honor
With understanding and acceptance
Who’s going to care when I’m gone?
They will forget me
Grow accustomed to my memory
Until it fades
Like sunshine
Photographs
And the dreams of little girls
This year the chapter ends
I’m going to walk across a stage
Like a mile in a desert sun
A city left behind me
An illusion
A mirage
An oasis ahead
From the top to the bottom
It’s where life goes

[Eliya]

Dollmage
Usually I prefer poems with rhyme and I myself follow more traditional style in writing. But your poem has something beautiful, sort of capturing atmosphere. Maybe because it reminded me of Smashing Pumpkins songs. Well, I don't see any flaws here, I really like it! And I think it would be nice lyrics for a song

Well, it's my first poem here. I wrote it after my trip to Finland

Northern song
Today it brings me song of land
Of distant land where I have been,
Of fairest place I’ve ever seen;
Oh, northern wind, thou art my friend!

My heart thumps out melody,
Which tinkling notes awakes a dream
Of lovely place where I have been,
Of land where now I want to be.

Away, away with northern song,
My soul, it flies on wings of wind.
And in my naive confused mind
I’ll keep that precious tune for long.

It calls for me, the wind that makes
A tumult in the autumn air,
That sweeps away unheard despair
And plays with waves of crystal lakes.

Another child that yet unborn,
That cherish'd by the autumn hands –
A song brought from the northern lands
Will never make thee feel forlorn.

And ghosts of Past that haunted thee
The ones that thou tried hard to shun
Will be dissolved in morning sun,
Away from happiness they’ll flee.

Betwixt thine eyes and starry sky
A dreamy song of distant place,
A sigh of soul lost in vast space,
A tearful but not last good-bye.

22 August 2006

© Eliya, 2006

[Cadia]

v2!!! Woooo! Awesomeness!

Originally Posted by Dollmage

Senior
Next year, I won’t be here
From the top to the bottom
It’s where life goes
Each step closer to the end
Closer to the new beginning
I can walk through these halls
Like a walk through the streets
In a downtown rush
The indifference
The impatience
The “who are you and why’d you stop?”
Young lies are old ones
Reborn, remodeled, repeated
I remember my days there
Less evolution before development
The last generation right on track
With respect
With honor
With understanding and acceptance
Who’s going to care when I’m gone?
They will forget me
Grow accustomed to my memory
Until it fades
Like sunshine
Photographs
And the dreams of little girls
This year the chapter ends
I’m going to walk across a stage
Like a mile in a desert sun
A city left behind me
An illusion
A mirage
An oasis ahead
From the top to the bottom
It’s where life goes

WONDERful!!! Great use of line-breaks to emphasize! Very interesting wordplay with "end/beginning," downtown rush/walking"...I especially like the emphasis on walking/a journey, etc. When I read the title and first line of this poem I was thinking "oh, no, not another cliche-fest" But I've been pleasantly surprised! It's hard to work with these themes without sounding tired or boring, but you've done it. All the themes here are presented freshly and interestingly. I love the straightforward tone; you've made every word count. It's a refreshing poem, very clear and clean and unmuddled.

[Anhelda]

Originally Posted by Eliya

Northern song
Today it brings me song of land
Of distant land where I have been,
Of fairest place I’ve ever seen;
Oh, northern wind, thou art my friend!

My heart thumps out melody,
Which tinkling notes awakes a dream
Of lovely place where I have been,
Of land where now I want to be.

Away, away with northern song,
My soul, it flies on wings of wind.
And in my naive confused mind
I’ll keep that precious tune for long.

It calls for me, the wind that makes
A tumult in the autumn air,
That sweeps away unheard despair
And plays with waves of crystal lakes.

Another child that yet unborn,
That cherish'd by the autumn hands –
A song brought from the northern lands
Will never make thee feel forlorn.

And ghosts of Past that haunted thee
The ones that thou tried hard to shun
Will be dissolved in morning sun,
Away from happiness they’ll flee.

Betwixt thine eyes and starry sky
A dreamy song of distant place,
A sigh of soul lost in vast space,
A tearful but not last good-bye.

22 August 2006

© Eliya, 2006

Well, first of all, I'd like to visit Finland someday! You have a nice command of formal poetry form and rhyme in this piece, and some very nice evocative phrases, but there are times when the meaning you're trying to convey isn't clear. Some of it may be a language issue, as there's some grammatical lapses (which may be intentional, but I don't know for sure), but I get a little confused sometimes by what you mean in various phrases, like the unborn child and the ghosts of Past. Some of these references come and go without much clarity regarding their relevance to the overall theme of the poem. In summary, I enjoyed the poem, but I'm not sure if I got all the meaning out of it.

Here's one for laughs, with apologies to Robert Burns:

My love is like a dandelion
That grows on my front lawn.
Sometimes it's nice to have him,
But sometimes I want him gone.

He brings the color to my life
And brightens up my week.
He's soft and sweet to rub against
My palms and chin and cheek.

But he can be annoying, too,
Like weed-infested grass.
He'll be impatient, jealous, rude,
Disgusting, crude, or crass.

Yes, when my love is sweet and fun,
I want him by my side.
But when he turns into a pest,
I long for herbicide.

[Cadia]

Originally Posted by Anhelda

My love is like a dandelion
That grows on my front lawn.
Sometimes it's nice to have him,
But sometimes I want him gone.

He brings the color to my life
And brightens up my week.
He's soft and sweet to rub against
My palms and chin and cheek.

But he can be annoying, too,
Like weed-infested grass.
He'll be impatient, jealous, rude,
Disgusting, crude, or crass.

Yes, when my love is sweet and fun,
I want him by my side.
But when he turns into a pest,
I long for herbicide.

Haha! Very good. You really made me laugh.

Here's something I'm not quite happy with yet. Any suggestions are appreciated, and comment/criticism is too, of course.

Don't Blink

Show me a film with no pictures
Sing me a song you don't know
Remember the words hand in hand
Speak in nevers, say: never let you go.

What nonsense life flings
riotously at us. laughing,
an insane poltergeist without purpose
without a beginning, middle,
without end.
where's that happy ending again?

Please recite your tale without words
Do laugh and retain our silence
silence is golden yet truth is forever
and ever unlike words
you know

Unlike words
love lives a little, lingers.
Like words your film leaves an
outline in my eyelids. I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly

Forget words and listen to that curious story,
the gilded hush of this moment.
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away

A narrow heart will miss the moment,
that life is greater than the sum of it's parts
a narrow heart will never know
if they blink.
they'll never hear: never let you go.

[iglybo]

Originally Posted by Cadia

Haha! Very good. You really made me laugh.

Here's something I'm not quite happy with yet. Any suggestions are appreciated, and comment/criticism is too, of course.

Don't Blink

Show me a film with no pictures
Sing me a song you don't know
Remember the words hand in hand
Speak in nevers, say: never let you go.

What nonsense life flings
riotously at us. laughing,
an insane poltergeist without purpose
without a beginning, middle,
without end.
where's that happy ending again?

Please recite your tale without words
Do laugh and retain our silence
silence is golden yet truth is forever
and ever unlike words
you know

Unlike words
love lives a little, lingers.
Like words your film leaves an
outline in my eyelids. I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly

Forget words and listen to that curious story,
the gilded hush of this moment.
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away

A narrow heart will miss the moment,
that life is greater than the sum of it's parts
a narrow heart will never know
if they blink.
they'll never hear: never let you go.

I don't really understand what you're talking about in this poem, but I really like it. I love the line "silence is golden yet truth is forever."
Please explai what you' re talking about in this poem, I can be a little slow.


Ok, this poem came to me just now while in the car, I wonder if you'll be able to understand it?

Hello Prison.

Hello prison of faith
False sanctuary
You kept me locked many a year
Within your walls, blind.
But now I'm free
Now I can see
The lie with which you held me

So now I go by you, in the car
A scowl upon my face
Your walls will never again hold me
For now I have the power to truly see.

[BabyWerewolf]

Originally Posted by iglybo

Ok, this poem came to me just now while in the car, I wonder if you'll be able to understand it?

Hello Prison.

Hello prison of faith
False sanctuary
You kept me locked many a year
Within your walls, blind.
But now I'm free
Now I can see
The lie with which you held me

So now I go by you, in the car
A scowl upon my face
Your walls will never again hold me
For now I have the power to truly see.

Is it a church? That's the immediate impression I got, I hope that's what it was meant to be
I like the sentiment and the emotion in this, but the poem as a whole doesn't really seem to flow that well.
I do like a lot of it, though. The first two lines are very strong, and so are the fifth and sixth - I like the free/see rhyme. All in all, it's very good in concept, it just maybe needs a little more work on the pace and rhythm.

Holes

I think
There's something
I need to find.
Empty spaces
Fill my mind.
I hold
Broken shards
In my hands.
I cry
Tears that fall
Dead and dry.
I try
And find the thing
I miss inside.
I find
Lost, shattered fragments
In the sand.
Sinking far away from sight.
Sinking into endless night.
Somewhere, something
I can't find.
The jigsaw puzzle's
Missing part,
To fill the hollows
In my heart.

[Cadia]

Originally Posted by MrSleepyHead

A flake of dust
Slowly drifts down
Upon me, like a snow
Flurry falling on a blade of
Grass. The flake lingers
On my translucent skin,
And with each flake
A tingle remains.
The process continues until I am
Frosted like a frozen field.
It is unbearable because
I have no way to
Scratch my
Itch.

I seldom smell the
Seductive scent of
Fresh air. After an hour’s
Glimpse of freedom,
I am carelessly thrust about. I
Am a child with a filthy mouth,
And only soap can cleanse me.
I breathe in the repulsive
Odor of soap and attempt
To keep my mouth shut, but the
Sponge is shoved down
My slender throat. I try to
Spit it out, but soon I am
Placed back in my cupboard.
Despite having my lips
Pressed against the wood,
The taste of soap
Lingers.

When I am relieved of my
Jail cell for a moment,
I become one’s lover. She
Slowly lifts me, desiring the
Poison that I possess. Her lips
Gently brush against mine. I
Long for more time with them. I
Dispense my saliva into her
Mouth. I am placed gently upon
The table. This was a mere
Sip. Soon she shall crave for
More, and it is only
I that can quench her thirst. I once
Again partake in the roller coaster
Ride to her mouth. She kisses me,
And I kiss lovingly back. Soon
My mouth is dry and I
Feel the familiar sensation
Of being thrust around. Once
Again I am in my cupboard.
She cannot live without
Me, but I sit here
Forgotten.

Well, what I must say is, that is a very original idea for a poem. I started off thinking you were talking about a person. Then I realized what the point of view was. But the interesting part is that there is a parallel, or at least ONE could MAKE a parallel if they wanted. Not sure if you wrote it that way or not. But all in all, a nicely written poetry, if not a bit disturbing...sorry, just speaking the truth of what I feel, no offense or anything.

Originally Posted by iglybo

I don't really understand what you're talking about in this poem, but I really like it. I love the line "silence is golden yet truth is forever."
Please explai what you' re talking about in this poem, I can be a little slow.

The poem is about how life is fleeting and in the big picture of things our lives are nothing, and how we have to savour the little things and love and do our best in the short time that we have. It's what I think of as a "life" poem. I'm a little stuck on the subject right now, actually. my last good poem ("One Infectious Circus Spinning") was on a very similar subject. I hope that makes more sense to you now. I would appreciate more comments/criticism, so I will repost it below:

Don't Blink

Show me a film with no pictures
Sing me a song you don't know
Remember the words hand in hand
Speak in nevers, say: never let you go.

What nonsense life flings
riotously at us. laughing,
an insane poltergeist without purpose
without a beginning, middle,
without end.
where's that happy ending again?

Please recite your tale without words
Do laugh and retain our silence
silence is golden yet truth is forever
and ever unlike words
you know

Unlike words
love lives a little, lingers.
Like words your film leaves an
outline in my eyelids. I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly

Forget words and listen to that curious story,
the gilded hush of this moment.
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away

A narrow heart will miss the moment,
that life is greater than the sum of it's parts
a narrow heart will never know
if they blink.
they'll never hear: never let you go.

[beatles_gal]

Originally Posted by Cadia

Don't Blink

Show me a film with no pictures
Sing me a song you don't know
Remember the words hand in hand
Speak in nevers, say: never let you go.

What nonsense life flings
riotously at us. laughing,
an insane poltergeist without purpose
without a beginning, middle,
without end.
where's that happy ending again?

Please recite your tale without words
Do laugh and retain our silence
silence is golden yet truth is forever
and ever unlike words
you know

Unlike words
love lives a little, lingers.
Like words your film leaves an
outline in my eyelids. I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly

Forget words and listen to that curious story,
the gilded hush of this moment.
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away

A narrow heart will miss the moment,
that life is greater than the sum of it's parts
a narrow heart will never know
if they blink.
they'll never hear: never let you go.

i liked this poem, esp. the imagery, it was very evocative. it reminded me of a dusky, pink sunset--beautiful, but bittersweet. i especially like the image of life as an "insane poltergeist," and the part at the end about a narrow heart missing an important moment--very true, and eloquently said!

[Padfoot_Returns]

This poem of orginally written by a girl I know, but I changed it around a bit. Its called the Friendship Poem and I dedicate it to my friends who are always there for me:

During times when I need someone
By my side the most
I know I'll never have to rely on a ghost
Because you will be there
To show me the way
You will advise me
Every single day

You've always been there
To put a smile on my face
A friend like you, no one could replace
There will always be a place
In my heart just for you
You're such a wonderful person
That will always be true

You've always been there for me
Even on the other side of the phone
With a friend like you
I could never feel alone

You're always there to wipe a tear
And even make me laugh
You've been there to push me down the right path

You've always listened to me talk
Even if you didn't care

You always prove to me
That you'll always be there
You've always been there for me
Which I thank you for
I'll always be here for you
And that you know for sure

I know I can trust
And confide in whenever
Now and through our days
We will be

Best Friends Forever

[ali_singer]

Originally Posted by Padfoot_Returns

This poem of orginally written by a girl I know, but I changed it around a bit. Its called the Friendship Poem and I dedicate it to my friends who are always there for me:

During times when I need someone
By my side the most
I know I'll never have to rely on a ghost
Because you will be there
To show me the way
You will advise me
Every single day

You've always been there
To put a smile on my face
A friend like you, no one could replace
There will always be a place
In my heart just for you
You're such a wonderful person
Thats always true

You've always been there for me
Even on the other side of the phone
With a friend like you
I could never feel alone

You're always there to wipe a tear
And even make me laugh
You've been there to push me down the right path

You've always listened to me talk
Even if you didn't care

You always prove to me
That you'll always be there
You've always been there for me
Which I thank you for
I'll always be here for you
And that you know for sure

I know I can trust
And confide in whenever
Now and through our days
We will be

Best Friends Forever

Wow, Padfoot_Returns, this is really sweet. There's just one line that sticks out to me as off and that is "That's always true." Maybe changing it to "That will always be true" will make it flow better, but you are the author and I'm not. This poem made me think of my best friends and how even though I sometimes don't feel like it they'll always be there for me. The line "You've been there to push me down the right path" was exceptionally powerful to me, anyway. Really nice, Padfoot_Returns!

Originally Posted by Dollmage

Um-maybe its just me but I don't see the connection between the first two stanzas and the last three. Unless I am missing something, I think they would work better in two seperate poems.

The first two stanzas seem like a story is going to be told, about a dictator or the life under one, including heartache or pain, judging from the images I get and I think it could be really wonderful. It starts out more like a structured chant. "One more time//Repeat after me" Really, a great beginning.

The last three stanzas seem more like a flowy poem with less intense subject manner. Its more a play on the word blue and its different meanings and versions of its colors from emotional blue to aquamarine. I think it would work well if you took this as a seperate poem and expanded on it in that way.

Thanks for pointing this out to me, you're right. I guess I was just trying to make a connection between the two and I didn't pull it off that well. Thanks for taking the time to actually constructively criticize my poem.

[Eliya]

Originally Posted by Anhelda

Well, first of all, I'd like to visit Finland someday! You have a nice command of formal poetry form and rhyme in this piece, and some very nice evocative phrases, but there are times when the meaning you're trying to convey isn't clear. Some of it may be a language issue, as there's some grammatical lapses (which may be intentional, but I don't know for sure), but I get a little confused sometimes by what you mean in various phrases, like the unborn child and the ghosts of Past. Some of these references come and go without much clarity regarding their relevance to the overall theme of the poem. In summary, I enjoyed the poem, but I'm not sure if I got all the meaning out of it.

Thanks for this comment To make clear it for you: the image of 'the unborn child' I refer to a new song that's about to be created, and 'the ghosts of Past' are something that i think every person has, it may be some fears, mistakes, failures etc. that haunt us for a long time

Originally Posted by Cadia

Here's something I'm not quite happy with yet. Any suggestions are appreciated, and comment/criticism is too, of course.

Don't Blink

Show me a film with no pictures
Sing me a song you don't know
Remember the words hand in hand
Speak in nevers, say: never let you go.

What nonsense life flings
riotously at us. laughing,
an insane poltergeist without purpose
without a beginning, middle,
without end.
where's that happy ending again?

Please recite your tale without words
Do laugh and retain our silence
silence is golden yet truth is forever
and ever unlike words
you know

Unlike words
love lives a little, lingers.
Like words your film leaves an
outline in my eyelids. I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly

Forget words and listen to that curious story,
the gilded hush of this moment.
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away

A narrow heart will miss the moment,
that life is greater than the sum of it's parts
a narrow heart will never know
if they blink.
they'll never hear: never let you go.

Wonderful!!! As if i'm back reading 'Dandelion Wine' by Ray Bradbury I agree with beatles_gal about it being 'bittersweet'. The words
I blink.
blink blink. It's still there
fading slowly
remind me the moment when I look at the sunset!
and this part =>
all our lives are moments in this one grand day
all our moments are sweeter as they get further
all glides away
is simply beautiful! Very true!