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Old October 6th, 2007, 3:16 pm
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Phrozenone  Male.gif Phrozenone is offline
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Join Date: 28th May 2006
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Re: Fan Scripts: Remake Harry Potter

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blast_ended View Post
Phrozenone, you write the scenes nicely but some of the scenes you included are ABOLUTELY POINTLESS. Why bother with Igor Karkaroff? He has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the plot, it is just a waste of screen time in my opinion. I would have include Spinner's End instead, or write a more relevant scene.

The Dursleys - the scene is much TOO LONG, and include some absolutely pointless pieces of dialog. For example, I would have cut Kreacher and Grimmauld Place all together... and Dumbledore talking at the end is too long.

Later, why bother with OWLs results? They have nothing to do with the plot of the book. I would also cut both Bill & Fleur, but this is a much harder choice. Again, CUT KARKAROFF, his mentions is pointless.

I would cut Quidditch, cut the Madam Malkin shop scene, and as much as I like her - cut Luna Lovegood too. She'll come back in DH.
Thanks and yeah I know alot of it is pointless LOL but like I said this is an old one where I'm going to do ALOT of rewrites (This was before the Order movie came out and DH so I didn't know anything....you'll notice I cut the Room of Requirement scene because I didn't think it was important)

I think the reason I put Karkorofff in this was because I wanted to have Voldemort in this one atleast once, but your solution of having Slughorn was a very good idea. Kudos! Like I said I included O.W.L. results because I thought they'd probably have it more in the previous movie but alas I was wrong.

And I agree about Fluer and Bill. Actually you won't be seeing Fluer in this one and I have another draft of the script where I cut them out all together so I hear ya man. I agree the Dursleys scene is long now that I look at it and trust me it was MUCH shorter when I first wrote it, but once I realized how funny it was I added in more 'funny' (Oh yeah and like I said I didn't know how Kreacher and Grimmauld Place was going to effect the series when I wrote this so I included them just in case )

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArryGrotter View Post
It's REALLY great to see someone else's script. Are you ready for some constructive criticism?

Spoiler: show
I think that your scenes are too cutty. Meaning that they suddenly end, and then they suddenly start somewhere else, and only if you read the book would you know how they got there. That's all for now.


You can give me criticism too.


I hear ya and so far I don't have anymore to add to your script that hasn't been said already (about it being a little long in certain spots, but alas I have that same problem sometimes lol) but keep it up. Trust me I have 4 drafts of HPB...each VERY different because there's always something you can do different.

But alas here is the next part to my script. Let me know what you guys think

INT-POTIONS CLASSROOM-EVENING

The scene cuts to Slughorn pacing in front of the class.

SLUGHORN
Now then! Scales out, everyone, and potion kits, and don’t forget your copies of Advanced Potion Making (Harry raises his hand) Yes Harry?

HARRY
I haven’t got a book or scale or anything…nor’s Ron…we didn’t realize we’d be able to do the N.E.W.T., you see…

SLUGHORN
Oh yes, Professor McGonagall mentioned this to me. Not to worry, you can use ingrediants from the store cupboard today.

Harry and Ron walk up to the cupboard to collect their things while Slughorn continues to talk

SLUGHORN
Now, I’ve prepared a few potions here for you to look at, just out of interest, you know. These are the kind of things you ought to be able to make after completing your N.E.W.T.s. (He points at the first one.) Can anyone tell me what this one is? (Hermione raises her hand.) Yes, dear?

HERMIONE
It’s Veritaserum, a colorless, odorless potion that forces the drinker to tell the truth.

SLUGHORN
Very good! Now can anyone tell me what this one…(Hermione raises her hand again as Harry and Ron take their seats with their materials.)

HERMIONE
It’s Polyjuice Potion, sir.

SLUGHORN

Quite right! May I ask your name, my dear?

HERMIONE
Hermione Granger, sir.

Harry and Ron both walk back to their seats and sit down

SLUGHORN
Granger? Can you possibly be related to Hector Dagworth-Granger, who founded the Most Extraordinary Society of Potioneeers?

HERMIONE
No sir, I’m Muggle born.

SLUGHORN
Oho! I’m assuming this is the very friend of whom you spoke about that is the best of your year, Harry?

HARRY
Yes, sir.
(He looks at Hermione as she smiles embarresingly)

SLUGHORN
Lovely, I say Twenty Points for Gryffindor! And now, it is time for us to start work.

NEVILLE
Sir, you haven’t told us what’s in this one!

SLUGHORN
Oh yes, well that one is a most curious potion called Felix Felicis. I take it that you know what Felix Felicis does, Miss Granger?

HERMIONE
It’s liquid luck. it makes you lucky.
(Everyone in the class murmers with excitement.)

SLUGHORN
Quite right. Its desperately tricky to make, and disatrous to get wrong. However, if brewed correctly, as this has been, you will find that all your endeavors tend to succed…at least until the effects wear off.

DEAN
Why don’t people drink it all the time, sir?

SLUGHORN
Because if taken in excess, it causes giddiness, recklessness, and dangerous overconfidence. Too much of a good thing, you know.

SEAMUS
Have you ever taken it, sir?

SLUGHORN
Twice in my life. Now, one tiny bottle of Felix Felicis is the prize I’m giving away at the end of this lesson. Enough for twelve hours luck! Now turn to page ten of Advanced Potions Making and you will attemp to make a decent Draught of Living Death.

The scene cuts to everyone rushing to do the spell. The camera goes over Harry’s shoulder where there are notes written by the previous owner on the side of the actual curse. His finger goes over the written notes.

HARRY
Strange…I wonder.

He proceeds to do what the person wrote and Hermione looks at him in anger when his potion seems to be coming furthur along than hers.

HERMIONE
How are you doing that?

HARRY
Add a clockwise stir…

HERMIONE
No, the book says counterclockwise!

SLUGHORN
And times up!
(He starts to walk around the room looking at the potion and stops at Harry) The clear winner. Excellent, Harry. It is clear you’ve inherited your mother’s talent. Here you are then, one bottle of Felix Felices.

Harry smiles and Hermione sends an angry glare at him as the scene fades to…

INT. OUTSIDE OF SLUGHORN CLASS-EVENING

The scene cuts to them leaving class and Hermione running up to Harry.

HERMIONE
How did you do that?

HARRY
Good luck, I suppose. What is it? You think I cheated?

HERMIONE
Well it wasn’t exactly your own work, was it?

RON
He only followed different instructions to ours.

HARRY
Yeah, I just tried a few tips written in the margins!

HERMIONE
We ought to check that there’s nothing odd about it. I mean...
(She pulls out her wand.)

HARRY
Hermione…what…
(She grabs his book and points her wand at it.

HERMIONE
Specialis Revelio!

Nothing happens

HARRY
Finished? Or d’you want to wait and see if it does a few backflips.

HERMIONE
It seems all right.

HARRY
Good. Then I’ll have it back.

Harry takes the book and walks off away from them. He looks down at the book and the camera pans to see whats written on it is ‘This Book is the Property of the Half-Blood Prince’. The scene then fades to…

INT-DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE-NIGHT

Dumbledore is standing next to with his back towards the Penseive and Harry is standing in front of him

DUMBLEDORE
So, Harry. You have been wondering, I am sure, what I have planned for you during these lessons? Well, I have decided that it is time, now that you know what prompted Lord Voldemort to try and kill you fifteen years ago, for you to be given certain information.

HARRY
Sir, does what you’re going to tell me have anything to do with the prophecy?

DUMBLEDORE
It has a great deal to do with the prophecy and I certainly hope that it will help you to survive.

Dumbledore turns around and looks into the Pensieve

DUMBLEDORE
This time, you enter the Pensieve with me…and, even more unusually, with permission.

HARRY
Where are we going sir?

DUMBLEDORE
For a trip down Bob Ogdens memory lane...

He takes out a bottle and pours the memory into the Pensieve and ther camera zooms in on his blackened hand as he pours.

HARRY
Sir...how did you injure your….

DUMBLEDORE
Now is not the moment for the story Harry, now, after you.

Harry walks up to the Pensive and looks into it. There is a flash and we see him falling into the contents and he lands near a man wearing thick glasses. Dumbledore lands beside him.

EXT. LITTLE HANGLETON-DAY

The man starts to walk away and Harry and Dumbledore follow him. The man walks up to an old house where a dead snake is nailed to the door. Morfin drops from the nearest tree and lands behind the man startling him. *Parseltongue is italicized*

MORFIN
You’re not welcome

ODGEN
Um…good morning…I’m from the Ministry of Magic

MORFIN
You’re not welcome!

DUMBLEDORE
You understand him, I’m sure, Harry?

HARRY
Yes of course, oh, he’s speaking Parseltongue?

Morfin has a knife in one hand and a wand in another. He rushes to attack Ogden when a man appears from inside the house.

GAUNT
Morfin!
(Morfin stops and stares at Gaunt)
Ministry, is it?

ODGEN
Co…correct. It is your son I’m here to see, Mr. Gaunt.

GAUNT
Are you pure-blood?

OGDEN
That’s neither here nor there!

GAUNT
Get in the house, don’t argue.

Morfin looks at Ogden and proceeds to enter the house.

INT. HOUSE OF GAUNT-LIVING ROOM-DAY

The scene cuts to them inside the cottage where we see a thin girl standing behind the stove.

GAUNT
M’daughter, Merope.

OGDEN
Good morning!

Merope looks at him in fright and turns around and starts shifting through the pots that are behind her.

OGDEN
Yes, well, Mr. Gaunt to get straight to the point, we have reason to believe that your son, Morfin, performed magic in front of a Muggle late last night. (There is a clang and the camera pans to Merope who has just dropped a pot.)

GAUNT
Pick it up! That’s it, grub on the floor like some filthy Muggle, what’s your wand for, you useless sack of muck?

Morfin starts to laugh as Merope pulls out her wand to mend one pot and makes another one explode.

GAUNT
Mend it, you pointless lump, mend it!
(She raises her wand again but Gaunt stands up and points his wand at the pots.)
Reparo!
(The pots repair.)
Lucky the nice man from the Ministry’s here, isn’t it? Perhaps he’ll take you off my hands, perhaps he doesn’t mind dirty Squibs…

OGDEN
Mr. Gaunt, please, the reason for my visit…

GAUNT
I heard you the first time!

OGDEN
Morfin has broken Wizarding law.

GAUNT
He taught a filthy Muggle a lesson, that’s illegal now, is it?

OGDEN
Yes, I’m afraid it is.
(Pulls out a piece of parchment.)

GAUNT
What’s that, then, his sentence?

OGDEN
It is a summons to the Ministry for a hearing…

GAUNT
Summons! Who do you think you are, summoning my son anywhere?

OGDEN
I’m Head of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad.

GAUNT
And you think we’re scum do you!

(He rushes up to Ogden)

GAUNT
Do you know who you’re talking to, you filthy little Mudblood, do you!

(He holds up his finger in Ogdens face showing a black stoned ring he is wearing on his middle finger.)

See this? Know what it is? Centuries its been in our family, that’s how far back we go, and pure blood all the way!

OGDEN
Mr. Gaunt your son has commited…

Gaunt rushed towards Merope and drags her by the gold chain around her neck. She kicks and screams as she is pulled across the floor. Odgen stands there appalled.

GAUNT
See this!

(The camera zooms in on the necklace with an S that Gaunt is holding around Merope’s neck)

Salazar Slytherins! We’re his last living descendants, what do you say to that, eh? So don’t you go talking to us as if we’re dirt on your shoes! Generations of purebloods, wizards all…more than you can say, I don’t doubt!

(He lets her go as there is a rustling outside and we see a shot of the carriage passing by. We see the young man and young lady laughing amongst themselves as they pass by the cottage.)

MORFIN
She likes looking at the Muggle. Always in the garden when he passes. Hanging out of the window waiting for him to rise home….

GAUNT
Is it true. My daughter…pure blooded descendant of Salazar Slytherin…hankering after a filthy, dirt veined Muggle?

Merope is sitting in the corner shaking her head frantically with her hand over her ears.

MORFIN
But I got him father, I got him as he went by and he didn’t look so pretty with hives all over him, did he Merope?

GAUNT
You disgusting little Squib, you filthy little blood traitor!

Gaunt rushed towards her and grabs her by the throat.

HARRY and OGDEN
No!

ODGEN
(Pulls out his wand)
Relashio!

Gaunt is throw backwards and Morfin leaps out of his chair towards Ogden. Ogden runs for his life out of the cabin with Morfin following him and Merope sitting in the corner screaming. Dumbledore puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder.

DUMBLEDORE
I think that will do, Harry.

The scene flashes and Dumbledore and Harry are back in his office.

INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE-NIGHT

HARRY
What happened to the girl in the cottage?

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, she survived. Ogden apparated back to the Ministry and returned with reinforcements. There was a fight, the ministry won, and Morfin was sentenced to three years in Azkaban. Marvolo, who had injured several Ministry employees, received six months.

HARRY
Marvolo? Do you mean that old man was…?

DUMBLEDORE
Voldemort’s grandfather, yes.

He walks over to sit behind his desk and Harry sits in front of the desk

HARRY
So Merope…sir…does that mean she was…Voldemort’s mother?

DUMBLEDORE
It does and it so happens that we also had a glimpse of Voldemort father.

HARRY
That muggle? The man on the horse?

DUMBLEDORE
Tom Riddle senior, the handsome Muggle for whom Merope Gaunt cherished with a secret, burning passion. So once her brother and father were in jail she was free to leave. My guess is she used a love potion to make Riddle fall for her. Needless to say when her father returned from Azkaban he wasn’t happy, he never spoke her name again. He died shortly afterwards.

HARRY
And Merope? Wasn’t Voldemort brought up in an orphanage?

DUMBLEDORE
Indeed. You see within a few months of their runaway marriage Riddle returned. My guess is Merope loved him so deeply that she thought that, she convinced him to love her, so she lifted the spell. He left her when she was pregnant, never to see her again, and never troubled to discover what became of his son.

HARRY
Sir…is it important to know all this about Voldemort’s past?

DUMBLEDORE
Very important, I think. Well I think that’s enough for today Harry.

Harry turns to leave he notices the gold ring with the cracked, black stone, sitting on one of Dumbledore’s tables.

HARRY
Sir…that ring…you were wearing it when you came to get me from the Dursleys.

DUMBLEDORE
So I was.

HARRY
But isn’t it the same ring Marvolo Gaunt showed Ogden?

DUMBLEDORE
The very same.

HARRY
But how did you…

DUMBLEDORE
Not now Harry. You shall hear the story another time. Goodnight.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArryGrotter View Post
Thanks.

I think I'm too protective of my work. Once I've written it I don't want it to go. But something has to or it will be nearing 4 or 5 hours. I'm fine with 3 hours, but would prefer the shortest with the most in it. It's going to be horrible when I try scripting OotP.
---
I decided to leave the Vanishing Glass for the moment and am now trying to cut the letter arrival scene. It's funny because I told myself that I would have scenes in between them unlike 2001-PS-Film, but I've cut the desruction of Dudley's toy's, I've cut Mrs Figg, I've cut the uniforms and any mention of Dudley's or Harry's schools (should that go back in?).

All together I've cut 3 pages of scenes in between these two.

---
I decided to compare timings with the 2004-PoA script I have in the same format.

By the time 'The Boy Who Lived' is over, Harry's on the Knight Bus.
Harry meets Ron and Hermione the same time he meets the snake.
Dementors are attacking by the time the Petunia and Vernon finish their talk about the letter.

Though, I always think the beginning of the HP films have been rushed
---
On a bright note, I've gone from 26 pages to 18 for up to the first letter.
Well think about it like this. If you never read a Harry Potter book and was just watching the movie, what would bore you out of your mind? Yeah it's tough, but try it. Us as book readers...I mean it's HARD to cut stuff and it took me FOREVER to cut them going to Slughorn's home to fetch him because I thought it was a great scene, but I moved a majority of it to the train and Dumbledore's line about knitting patterns to the Dursley's and viola! You have everything in that scene but without the uneccesary detour.

You should also remember don't try and introduce everything in the first film because you have 6 others to do and for each movie you have to do a reintroduction anyways. Having clues or a shot of something is useful if you must but I remember the couple behind me while watching the first HP movie were bored out of their minds because it started to drag to them (And they wish they would've went to see...what was it..Ghost Ship? lol)

Some of the information can be moved to later in the movie. Space it out so it doesn't feel like "Jeez I've been watching this film for 5 mins and we're still on the same scene" Also you know the end of the story now so choose what characters you want in ur screenplay wisely. You know who's going to play a major part and who doesn't and I would suggest giving their lines to someone who will be more important in the long run.


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